


Heaven Can't Help Us Now

by YouarethereasonIwrite



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Akashi Masaomi's A+ Parenting, Alternate Universe - High School, Attempt at Humor, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Multi, Slow Burn, nerdy akashi, nerdy kise, punk kuroko
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-11 12:12:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7891807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouarethereasonIwrite/pseuds/YouarethereasonIwrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kise Ryouta is a nerdy high school senior who just wants to end his high school career with perfect grades, and little to no incidents with other people. Too bad his friends and a fateful meeting with Aomine Daiki has other plans for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. fucking akashi

**Author's Note:**

> yooo first and foremost
> 
> I'M SUPER HAPPY WITH HOW THIS FIC IS TURNING OUT (cracky) AND I SHOULD BE WORKING ON OTHER FANFICTION BUT INSTEAD I'M SUFFERING AND MAKING NEW ONES : )))
> 
> i s2g i'm not even really active in the knb fandom anymore but i had this wonderful idea of nerdy! kise who hides his face behind long ass bangs and fucking punk kuroko with a thousand tattooes and piercings and like nerdy! akashi with huge bottle cap glasses who lusts after kuroko's ass lmao
> 
> and then i gave birth to this fic and i accidentally added skype chats bc i read too many fanfics w/ chats (ie. national hot dad alliance, which is still my bible to this day lmao PLS GO CHECK IT OUT IT'S SUCH A GOOD HQ FANFIC PLS THAT'S WHAT INSPIRED THE CHAT PARTS)
> 
> also!!! credits for like names (like kise kise fall in love) goes to incorrectknb!!! they're a cool tumblr blog and the admins are super chill and the blog is legit the fucking holy grail to me idk man check them out to if you haven't!!!
> 
> anyway, unbeta'd as usual, slow updates most likely, probably ooc characters and just a slow burn fic with the main focus on aokise and akakuro!! these homos are gonna end up being together though don't worry
> 
> (also now including a bunch of interesting pairings such as mura/sakurai, kagamido, kasahimu, takao/izuki, hanahaizaki, imayoshi/himself, moriyama/furihata lmao idk man im making this up as i go)

 

 

 

Kise Ryouta really doesn’t know what he wants to do in life. He’s not a huge studying type person, despite his amazing grades thanks to his “copycat” ability, and there’s nothing that really catches his attention. He’s pretty lazy over all--something his friends always reprimand him on--so finding interest or passion in something requires more effort than he’s willing to put in. No wonder he’s on good terms with Murasakibara Atsushi. 

Anyway, nothing really interests him. He doesn’t really have any redeeming features, and he’s pretty sure that mentality is the reason why his insecurities are higher than Akashi’s pride. He’s not very confident with himself, hence why he dresses like a homeless person (but almost more stylish), hangs out with the nerdiest kids in the school, never sees more daylight than needed, and grows out his bangs to cover his yellow cat eyes that reminds him more of piss than the nice golden hue his friends claim he has. 

So, yes, Kise lives a fairly mundane life with a small gaggle of friends and little to no motivation in doing anything. It’s a sad life to anyone else, but comfortable for an insecure hermit like him. He prefers this way of life, with little to no change on his part. 

However, everything gets fucked up when he meets the bane of his existence, Aomine Daiki--high school basketball star (the  _ ace  _ of his team, Kise remembers hearing girls and boys squeal about) with devilishly handsome looks and a husky voice that matched his arrogant attitude. 

Overall, Kise thinks he’s never hated anyone more than he hates Aomine at the moment (and forever), and he would much prefer inhaling gallons of bleach than suffering in the same space as the egotistical blue haired  _ smurf.  _ And, for the longest time, they didn’t even have to meet with differing classes on opposite sides of the school and completely different people surrounding them. 

Life is great until Aomine Daiki  _ accidentally  _ launches a ball into Kise’s face.

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


“--and another thing!” Kise exclaims, waving his arms around like a crazy person against the government. Kagami is holding his boyfriend’s hand because they’re both super gay, but Midorima is about a blood vessel away from either passing out like some teenage virgin or throttling Kagami for their public display of open affection. 

“We know.” Midorima says instead. “You told us about ten times about how Aomine threw a ball into your face, Kise.” He wrinkles his nose at Aomine’s name, and Kise couldn’t relate any more than that. The blond pouts, blowing air out of his mouth; the resulting air brushes his long bangs out of his eyes for one second, revealing keen golden eyes before they’re hidden once more. 

“Really? I thought it was like fifty times, babe.” Kagami nonchalantly states as he picks at Midorima’s finely positioned bento box. Midorima doesn’t even splutter like he used to whenever his boyfriend “messed up” the fine coordination of his lunch. Instead, the green haired male scoots his lunch box closer to Kagami, who, as much of a glutton as he is, shows amazing willpower at not inhaling the whole bento box. 

“No,” Midorima scoffs, but his eyes are less narrow and his face softens just a smidge as he regards Kagami with nothing short of fondness, “I would have left after the eleventh time he spoke about Aomine.” Kagami beams back at him, all toothy grins and starry eyes as he crudely stuffs a broccoli into his bulging cheek. Kise is the one to wrinkle his nose in disgust at them this time; unfortunately, this isn’t the first nor last time they’ll be a gross married couple either while Kise wallows in his self pity as the only single man in this group (sans Akashi, of course). 

“Guys!” Kise whines pathetically. Frankly enough, he’s sick of being the third wheel during their lunch time since school just started, and he’s not about to suffer his last year in high school as the dubbed “wingman” of the group. That was more pathetic than Akashi’s denial of having a small (read: big) crush on Kuroko. 

Speaking of the man, Akashi bursts into the lunchroom with deadly crimson eyes that screamed of bloodlust. The cafeteria grows eerily quiet in a smart manner; everyone knows better than to mess with Akashi when he was  _ pissed _ . The redhead is a little too over dramatic in Kise’s opinion, but he can’t say anything lest it be like the pot calling the kettle black. 

“Akashi.” Midorima calmly greets, as if Akashi doesn’t look like he’s about to commit murder by sharpening the ends of his glasses and stabbing victims with it. Akashi’s jaw sets, his whole form nearly vibrating with how utterly  _ angry  _ he is at whatever (most likely Kuroko). 

“Yo, Akashi.” Kagami waves. Kise wisely chooses to be silent. He knows that his “nasally voice”, as Akashi delicately put it, would set off his companion faster than a bomb a second away from exploding. Akashi merely nods at the small knit group before slamming his textbook down on the table and roughly sitting down on the seat next to Kise. Kise sweats as much as the rest of the cafeteria. 

“I can’t believe that atrocious, contemptible, sordid, abhorrent  _ thing  _ of a man!” Akashi angrily fixes his bottle cap glasses after the short outburst. Midorima quirks a curious eyebrow, but distracts himself from pressing further by wiping at the side of Kagami’s dirty mouth. Kagami is stuck doing that dumb lovestruck gaze of his at Midorima, leaving only Kise as the unfortunate victim for Akashi’s stabbing spree. 

“Uh, Akashi? What did Kuroko do this time?” Kise asks in spite of his fear. He knows Akashi won’t  _ actually  _ stab him. Probably. Akashi swivels his head over to Kise, the same murderous glare pinning the blond down and making him regret even being  _ born _ (which, by the way, was not something he could have controlled). Then, Akashi completely stops his homicidal tendencies with a short pause.

“Kuroko?” Akashi furrows his brows in brief confusion. “What does this have anything to do about Kuroko?” Uh oh. Kise wasn’t supposed to be the one spelling out Akashi’s obvious infatuation with the blue haired punk, but he assumed that the redhead was talking about Kuroko. And could anyone blame him? Akashi  _ always  _ talked about Kuroko, usually in a reprimanding tone that old midwives held towards piercings, tattooes, and colored hair (everything which Kuroko had). 

“Uh….” Kise wildly glances around for a better subject to turn to. Midorima eyes him in a way that says that Kise’s all by himself in this one while Kagami shakes his head in mock sadness. The blond’s eye twitches at their blatant disregard of his SOS signal, but Akashi’s inquiring gaze burns brighter than his own help signals. 

“Why did you automatically assume this was about Kuroko?” Akashi re-words his phrasing slowly. Kise does not appreciate being talked to like an infant when he’s the third smartest person (tied with Midorima) in the school. 

“Well, uh,” Kise hopes he’s not sweating too much. He also hopes Akashi doesn’t have some sort of x-ray laser vision that can see past his bangs to his shifting eyes. “Um, so uh, maybe you talk about him… A lot?” 

“What.” The fact that Akashi is no longer speaking like a pompous rich boy (he kind of still is though) is enough indication of his minor surprise---of how Kise saw through his lies or how Kise even managed to come up with such a conclusion, Kise did  _ not  _ want to know. He’s dead set on being alive, thank you very much. 

“What he means to say is that you usually talk about Kuroko, Akashi.” Midorima corrects and Kise throws him a grateful look. Midorima rolls his eyes, but a small upturn of his lips gives him away. 

“Yeah,” Kagami agrees amiably, “Midorima’s right. You always complain about Kuroko, Akashi.” The faux red haired man shrugs casually even though he rudely pointed out Akashi’s habit of complaining about a certain “popular” kid. Even if said popular kid isn’t technically popular because of his lack of presence. 

“What?” Akashi repeats slowly, softly. Kise wishes he wasn’t sitting so close to Akashi when the shit hit the fan, but he supposes that his sacrifice will not be in vain. At least he’ll be some sort of demented meat shield for Midorima and Kagami, even if those two asshats didn’t deserve his noble death. 

“Well, who were you talking about?” Kise questions. Akashi slowly turns his head back over to Kise, an unreadable expression on his face as he wrinkles his nose--a sign of his deep musing. Finally, Akashi snaps out of his momentary lapse of uncharacteristic silence and sits straighter in his seat. 

“Ah, yes. I was speaking of Imayoshi Shouichi.” The shortest male of the group entwines his fingers together and props it on top of his heavy textbook. “That  _ snake  _ attempted to lay his filthy hands on me.” Akashi sniffs in disdain. His face scrunches up in disgust at the mere thought of Imayoshi, and Kise inwardly agrees. Imayoshi is the last person on the earth he’s willing to talk to, much less be near. 

“Wow. Didn’t think Imayoshi had the guts.” Kagami comments thoughtfully. “Then again, Imayoshi’s always been a real weirdo.” 

“No kidding.” Kise adds his input because he doesn’t want to be left out, especially when talking trash about certain trashy people. Which reminds him…. 

“Oh yeah, Akashi, I haven’t told you what happened today.” Both Midorima and Kagami collectively sigh. “Shut up, I’ve only told you two like five times.” 

“Ten.” Midorima amends in defeat. He looks like he’s about to suffocate himself and pass out instead of listening to Kise’s obviously explainable hatred towards blueberry haired basketball players with worse aim than Kuroko trying to shoot. Akashi can confirm that (after all his trash talking). 

“Yeah, five, ten, agree to disagree.” Kise waves off his two friend’s grumbling in favor of fixing Akashi with a serious gaze. Akashi arches a finely plucked eyebrow over the top of his large, nerdy glasses. “So, basically, Aomine Daiki is a dick.” 

“I think I know that.” Akashi answers in bemusement. Kise shakes his head in frustration in response, a large frown enveloping the bottom half of his visible face. 

“No, like, you don’t understand. Aomine Daiki is a  _ dick. _ ” He grits his teeth in remembrance of the disrespect from the easygoing man with less filter in his mouth than fucking Donald Trump. And  _ yes _ , Kise is still really bitter and salty about the whole ordeal that happened only twenty minutes ago before lunch started. 

“Alright. Something happened with Aomine  _ Dicki,  _ I presume.” Akashi jokes with a straight face. Kise’s face turns from 100 to 0 in like a split second. 

“Stop, Akashi.” Midorima murmurs, but knows he can not stop pun dad-Akashi even if he wanted to. Kagami snickers at his friend’s misery, and Akashi--thinking Kagami’s laugh is otherwise--smiles in a pleased way that’s more cute than his persona is. 

“Can I continue?” Kise dramatically demands. Kagami shrugs, Midorima sighs sufferingly, and Akashi nods in approval. “Thank you. Anyway, as I was saying, Aomine fucking Daiki threw his ball at me.” This time, both eyebrows rise up on Akashi’s face.

“He attempted to molest you?” 

“What? No!” Kise screams in horror. The thought of Aomine and him being close enough to indulge in such activities is enough to warrant for the puke rising up in Kise’s throat. Kagami is laughing loudly now, drawing more attention to their table than necessary. Even Midorima hides his own grin behind a practiced, bandaged hand. 

“How did you even come to that conclusion?!” 

“Well, the way you worded it made me  _ assume _ that Aomine  _ Dicki  _ was attempting to “throw his balls at you”, balls meaning junk--” 

“Okay, that’s  _ enough _ ,” Kise intercepts, but Akashi fucking Seijuurou still continues. 

“--just like how you deduced that I was speaking of Kuroko instead of Imayoshi.” Akashi finishes. Midorima is snickering behind his hands this time from the ultimate  _ burn  _ Akashi has dealt on Kise with his stupid fake red hair and matching eyes and Kise really wants to find new friends. 

“....I fucking hate you all.” Kise mutters, surrendering to the shame and ashes of his humiliation by Akashi setting him on fire with his words. 

“So, does that mean you’ll stop talking about Aomine now?” Kagami asks hopefully. Kise fixes him a long, dry look. 

“The day I stop talking about  _ Dicki  _ is the day Akashi stops drooling over Kuroko’s ass, hooks up with Kuroko, and attempts to procreate with him.” Cue protests, groans, and a murderous glare. Kise wished he could make this shit up. 

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


_ September 14, 2016 _

_ 3:45 pm _

  
  


**kise kise fall in love:** hE DI D IT A GA Inm

**nanodayolo:** What? 

**Tigger:** i thnk hes talkin bout dicki

**dat boi:** o shit waddup

**nanodayolo:** Um, who is that? 

**Tigger:** akashi i thnk?????

**dat boi:** correct. Takao and Izuki have been teaching me about “memes”. 

**o shit waddup:** yeppers!!! me and izu bby have ben teaching him abot lots of things ;) 

**kise kise fall in love:** oK BU T MY P AIN?? A nD so RrWO an D su ffEWIEN? ??

**Tigger:** wtf

**Tigger:** 2 both?? wtf has ben goin on??? 

**nanodayolo:** I agree with Taiga. And why is Takao here? I thought we banned him last time. 

**dat boi:** Scroll up. 

**nanodayolo:** …….

**nanodayolo:** fucking akashi

**Tigger:** LMAOOOO

**o shit waddup:** LMAOOO

**dat boi:** LMAO. 

**kise kise fall in love:** FUYS WT F

**kise kise fall in love:** SDO U evE N CA te a B OU T ME ///??

**Tigger:** no

**nanodayolo:** no

**dat boi:** no

**o shit waddup:** no 

**kise kise fall in love:** i fu ckin

**kise kise fall in love:** hATE 

**dat boi:** By the way, can I add somebody?

**nanodayolo:** You already added Takao, so I don’t see why you’re even asking for permission at this point, Akashi. 

**Tigger:** ooh who’s it gonna be

**o shit waddup:** wait askashi is it wh oi think it is lol

**dat boi:** You’ll see.

 

_ dat boi added the only one who can beat me is me _

 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** wtf akashi wut do u want i already gave u all the info u needed

**kise kise fall in love:** uM

**Tigger:** oh  _ shit  _

**o shit waddup:** LMAOOOOO AKASHI LMAOOO

**the only one who can beat me is me:** ??????? is this some kind of hazing shit

**kise kise fall in love:** BY E

 

_ kise kise fall in love has left the group. _

 

**nanodayolo:** impressive

**dat boi:** :3

**the only one who can beat me is me:** ???? im confuse

**o shit waddup:** akashi ur my fav

**dat boi:** >:3c

**nanodayolo:** stop

**Tigger:** oh my godddd

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  
  


“You are all so fucking  _ shitty. _ ” Kise hissed between his teeth. He was currently cradling his head in between his arms, using those said arms as a cushion for his major friend-induced migraine because his friends were  _ that shitty _ . 

Takao snickered, a shit eating smirk growing on his face. “Did you read the rest of the chat?” 

“Uh, no. Why the fuck would I want to go back?” Kise angrily retorted. His scowl worsened when Akashi casually strolled into their shared math class with his shoulders relaxed, head held high, and his posture straighter than he’ll ever be. The blond pointedly glared at Akashi, who set down his backpack and textbook on the desk in front of Takao’s, which was adjacent to Kise’s. 

Akashi turned his head to greet them both with a nod. “How are classes faring for you two?” He innocently inquired, but Kise could practically  _ taste  _ the malicious sadistic aura around Akashi after the whole chat fiasco. Takao chortled again, moving his head to the right so he could laugh without spitting in anyone’s face.

“Shut up, Akashi. I’m literally going to be as emo as Himuro and fucking kill myself.” Himuro, who was about two desks in front of Kise eerily turned his head to glare at Kise with one eye. Kise really didn’t care about anything at this point; he shot Himuro an even nastier sneer, causing Himuro to narrow his eyes further before facing the front once more. He was probably going to curse Kise with his voodoo magic but Kise did not  _ care  _ because Akashi already fucked him over.

“Wait, who’s emo?” Kasamatsu asked in confusion once he entered into the nearly empty classroom. The small group plus Himuro were the only ones in class at the moment since lunch hadn’t ended yet and Kise didn’t want to put up with any of his friends’ bullshit after the whole “let’s fuck Kise over by inviting Aomine to the chat” situation. 

“Apparently Kise.” 

“Shut up. All of you shut up or I  _ will  _ jump out the fucking window.” Kise warned bitingly.

“And into the trash?” Akashi rhetorically asked with a sarcastic tone. Kasamatsu whistled and fucking Takao began spluttering out incoherent praises amongst his boisterous, bubbling laughter. Even Himuro’s shoulders were shaking from the savagery of Akashi Seijuurou.

“Damn, Akashi! Back at it again with your savage roasts!” Takao crowed, whooping Akashi’s name out in a mock, deep masculine voice that caused Akashi to crack a small smile. Kasamatsu shook his head (and has been shaking it for the past five minutes since he first walked in) at the humorous display while Kise flipped them all off. He didn’t usually show his true feelings out in public like this, but times like these made him realize he didn’t have to be fake with his friends. Even if those said friends enjoyed “roasting him” all the damn time. 

“No, but seriously, Kise. Read the rest of the chat.” Takao switched his personality in a 180 degree change. Akashi snorted, but didn’t remove his eyes from the textbook he was currently reading through. Kasamatsu rose a thin eyebrow at them. 

“You guys have a chat?” 

“It’s just skype.” Takao shrugged his shoulders casually. “It used to be just Akashi, Kise, Midorima, and Kagami, but Akashi invited me.” Kise ignored them all in favor of unlocking his phone--curse his curiosity!--and opening up the skype app. Once he was signed in again, he noticed the amount of notifications via a bright  _ orange  _ (“It’s blood red,” Akashi once said, so Kise made it a point to say it was  _ orange _ ) number: 420. Truly an amazing feat.

He scrolled up until the part where he left, a confused expression on his face morphing into one of mortification. 

 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** ok so why tf did u invite me wtf

**Tigger:** idk man ask akashi

**the only one who can beat me is me:** ok but who tf is akashi on this chat wtf

**dat boi:** That would be me.

**the only one who can beat me is me:** r u fuking w me

**dat boi:** No, I am not. 

**o shit waddup:** yeah dat’s akashi

**nanodayolo:** unfortunately. 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** k 2 things: 1) y is ur name a meme

**the only one who can beat me is me:** 2) y u invite me

**dat boi:** 1) I AM meme and 2) Because someone desperately wanted to engage contact with you.

**Tigger:** lmao akashi no

**nanodayolo:** I don’t think we can stop him at this point, Taiga.

**the only one who can beat me is me:** oh shit ur here too kaga??? thats gay

**Tigger:** thats bc i am gay u egg

**the only one who can beat me is me:** dats wut i meant

**the only one who can beat me is me:** k srsly y am i here

**nanodayolo:** You could always just leave.

**o shit waddup:** shut up carrot juice!!! i want to see what happens!!!!

**dat boi:** I was not joking, Aomine Daiki. You’ll know when I’m joking. 

**o shit waddup:** its tru

**the only one who can beat me is me:** ok then who???

**Tigger:** ur fucking dumb omfg

**the only one who can beat me is me:** DA DUCK DID YOU SAY

**Tigger:** duck

**dat boi:** duck

**o shit waddup:** duck

**the only one who can beat me is me:** i meant fuck 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** stop

**the only one who can beat me is me:** k but who srsly

**nanodayolo:** You really are a simpleton, Aomine. 

**Tigger:** translation: EAT A DICK, AOMINE DICKI

**the only one who can beat me is me:** SHUT U P

**o shit waddup:** srsly tho dicki wtf ur not supposed to be this dumb lmao

**the only one who can beat me is me:** sT OP CALL INE ME TH AT

 

_ dat boi changed the group name to dicki mouse _

 

**o shit waddup:** HAHAHAHAHAH

**nanodayolo:** fuckign akashi

**Tigger:** lol akashi 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** FU CKIGN STO p

**dat boi:** Alright, I’m done.

**the only one who can beat me is me:** JUST TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON 

**dat boi:** Aomine, who just left? 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** idk ???

**nanodayolo:** It’s pointless, Akashi.

**nanodayolo:** He has a severe case of stupidity. 

**nanodayolo:** It’s terminal. 

**o shit waddup:** DAMN MIDORI //siren horns

**Tigger:** not gona lie im hard

**nanodayolo:** shut up

 

_ nanodayolo’s name is now nidorino _

 

**nidorino:** who did this

**Tigger:** oh mygoddd isn’t that a pokmon???

**dat boi:** Oh my.

**o shit waddup:** whoops lmao 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** WHAT IS GOING ONRN 

**o shit waddup:** oh yeah ur still here dicki

**the only one who can beat me is me:** U ASSHOLES INVITED ME

**o shit waddup:** it was kise ok

**the only one who can beat me is me:** kise?? the blond ver of hara kazuya??

**Tigger:** LMAO 

**nanodayolo:** i can no longer unsee that

**dat boi:** Agreed.

**o shit waddup:** ayooo petition to call kise that from now on

**Tigger:** ok

**nanodayolo:** ok

**dat boi:** ok

**the only one who can beat me is me:** what does he want from me???

**o shit waddup:** we’re gonna be blunt with you, he wants

**dat boi:** ur dick

**o shit waddup:** ur balls

**o shit waddup:** LOL

**dat boi:** Good one, Takao. 

**nanodayolo:** I regret being here. 

**Tigger:** lmao

**the only one who can beat me is me:** well if he wanted some of  _ this  _ then he should have just asked ;)   
**Tigger:** yeah no put ur shirt back on ahomine dats nasty

**the only one who can beat me is me:** says the one fucking a carrot

**Tigger:** a  _ cute  _ carrot

**o shit waddup:** dats gay

**dat boi:** Indeed.

**nanodayolo:** I am literally right here at this very moment on this chat

**the only one who can beat me is me:** is that all??? i have someone coming over soon so ;)   
**Tigger:** stfu dicki the only one coming over is ur hand smh

**o shit waddup:** SHIT

**o shit waddup:** TEAR HIM APART TIGER

**the only one who can beat me is me:** shut up im leaving

 

_ the only one who can beat me is me has left the group. _

 

**Tigger:** sooo should we tell kise???

**o shit waddup:** yes

**nanodayolo:** yes 

**dat boi:** yes

 

Kise finally stopped reading the monstrosity in text form, his eyes burning like he just read some person’s filthy smut fanfiction with enough lube and toys to run the porn industry out of business. He officially hated his friends. And this time, he meant it for real. 

Beside him, Kasamatsu seemed to be in the same predicament as him--only less angry for he smirked in amusement at all of the fuckery Kise had to deal with in this god forsaken chat. Takao excitedly awaited the duo’s responses as he leaned forward in his seat to peer over Kise’s shoulder at the section he was on. Takao did not hesitate in muffling another incoming laugh.

“What the fuck?” Kise blinked, hoping that his phone screen was just telling lies instead of spouting out all the bullshit he just read. He squeezed his eyes shut until white dots appeared. Only then, did he dare open his eyes. He sighed in disappointment straight afterwards. The chat was still the same.

“Wow.” Kasamatsu said, almost in awe. He finally caught up to the rest of the chat and grinned at Takao. “This was actually the most amazing thing I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading, to be completely honest.” 

“Thanks. Akashi’s the real MVP though.” Takao roughly pat Akashi’s back with a nasty smile. Akashi didn’t even flinch, his eyes glued to the page he was currently on. 

“I can tell. Can I join? It sounds like a lot of fun.” 

“Kasamatsu!” Kise gawked in disbelief. “I thought you were on  _ my  _ side!” Kasamatsu shrugged in response. 

“I like the ambiance of the chat.” 

“It’s about me  _ suffering! _ ” 

“Exactly. Ambiance.” Kasamatsu explained. “I can appreciate a good roast now and again.” Takao laughed in agreement. 

“Ah, yes, Kagami is on there as well, correct?” Himuro suddenly popped out of nowhere. He smiled in an eerie way that sent chills down Kise’s spine, directing a completely evil grin towards Kise. Kise realized he should have worded his thoughts carefully, lest karma come back to kick him up his asshole.

“Yup! Kagami made the chat I think. Either that or Kise, I don’t remember.” Takao shrugged, but he whipped out his phone anyway. 

“Takao, don’t.” Kise pleaded. Takao just grinned at him. Fucking hell.

“Aaand, I added you two to the chat!” Kise could practically see hell reflecting inside Takao’s silver eyes. The tips of his mouth curled up into a smile resembling the crescent moon as he mockingly bowed with a “host like” flourish. 

“Welcome to our chat, “welcome to my twisted mind”. I hope you enjoy the stay.” The large, shark toothed grins from both Kasamatsu and Himuro alike was enough to tell Kise of how  _ much  _ they were going to enjoy the chat. Kise sighed for the 100th time that week and succumbed to his fate.

He really hoped things wouldn’t get any worse than it already was.

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


_ So far, so good. As long as I don’t check my notifications for my social media--namely skype--or turn on my phone at all, I think I’ll be good for the day.  _ Long story short, Kise fled. Straight after the bell rang indicating the end of school, Kise high tailed it right out of his stupid physics class and out into the field where the track team was currently performing warm ups. He decided to skip out on his locker, lest his friends discover him right away.

So, now he was sitting on the bleachers, his head in his hands in a pitiful position while he curled up into himself like someone on their period dealing with cramps. Kise bemoaned his rotten luck in choosing friends and his even worse luck in being a part of the unfortunate group chat. He knew that sooner or later, he would have to turn his phone back on, and there would be over a million texts, no doubt.

“I fucking hate my life.” Kise groaned, wishing not for the first time that he didn’t attend this shitty ass school. “Maybe if I dye my hair like Hara’s, I can pretend to be Hara for the rest of the year.” He mused aloud, thinking of how blessedly quiet it would finally be without snarky Midorima, trashy Takao, and supreme memelord Akashi. Kagami was cool though (when he wasn’t joining in on the whole “let’s bully Kise” group).

“Nah. That’s super trashy.” Kise leaned back against the bleachers. “Like Haizaki trashy.” He continued, a tiny smile forming on his lips at the thought of how trashy his enemy Haizaki was. They never really talked, but Haizaki was always messing around with him for some dumb reason. Fortunately, Haizaki didn’t have any classes with Kise since the silver haired man wasn’t exactly the brightest male in the first place.

“Ugh, I want to die.” Kise reverted back to his complaining. He liked doing that: complaining. With his hectic life, he honestly deserved it. “Dear holy person in the sky, please let me find new friends. Oh, and to never see fucking Aomine Daiki again. Thanks.” He prayed, then burst out in little giggles at how utterly ridiculous he was being. 

_ Yeah right. As if this will fucking happen.  _

“Um, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be out here right now.” A mysterious voice--that sounded like tinkling bells, what the fuck??--appeared out of nowhere, nearly scaring Kise shitless. Good thing he already bullshits daily or else his pants would have been in trouble!

“Holy shit! The cops!” He yelped in surprise, barrelling himself almost in between the crevices of the bleachers in order to hide. He searched blindly around, cursing his stupid long bangs for shielding his vision from any possible threats.

An amused huff greeted him to his right. “I’m right here.” Kise locked onto a ghostly like figure, with transparent sky blue locks, paler than a ghost’s skin, and a black helmet wedged in between his side and his arm in some sort of “bad boy” pose. If Kise hadn’t properly looked at the figure, he would have only seen a floating helmet.

“Holy fuck! Wait, how long have you been here?” 

“Since you arrived out here and sat down.” The phantom replied. The blue haired man sat down next to Kise, a peaceful expression on his face as he faced the track field. He was almost hauntingly beautiful, with matching sky eyes and cotton candy hair. Kise was quite surprised when he discovered that the scrawny looking boy adorned piercings on his nose, above his eyebrows, on his ears, and one below his full lips. 

When phantom boy glanced over, he seemed almost familiar, with blank blue eyes regarding him evenly, as if he could see through Kise’s translucent facade and read every one of his thoughts. Crawling along his jugular was a large tattoo of gnarly vines and red roses sprouting out with thorns accompanying it. The mysterious man had an undercut, Kise noticed, and he wore black leather pants that were almost spandex, dark red combat boots, and a matching black leather jacket. 

It was like reading  _ My Immortal _ , the dreaded Harry Potter fanfiction, all over again. Kise knew that if he closed his eyes long enough, the awful flashbacks of  _ My Immortal  _ would haunt him once more with “Bring Me to Life” by Evanescence playing in the background. Kise was having 2006 war flashbacks, and he’d much rather leave that crammed in the back of his head, thank you very much.

Wait. Blue hair, punk looking fellow? Oh shit. Oh  _ shit.  _

“Um, you’re Kuroko Tetsuya, right?” Kise carefully questioned. If Akashi knew---

“Yes. I am Kuroko Tetsuya. And you are Kise Ryouta, correct?” 

“Uh, yeah. That’s me, Kise. Kise Ryouta. Hahaha….” Kise hoped he wasn’t sweating too much. Well, he also hoped for a lot of things, but fate and luck and whatever bullshit Midorima would say was trying in  _ vain  _ to dick him over. So, wishing wasn’t going to help matters. At least one of his wishes came true though (of him wanting to make a new friend. Did Kuroko count or was that too fast? God, Kise didn’t know because he’s been stuck around weirdoes for almost his whole life. How did you act around normal people again?).

“I couldn’t help but notice, Kise,” Kuroko started, his eyes faraway and Kise honestly couldn’t take him seriously when he still had PTSD from the fucking  _ My Immortal  _ fanfiction that Akashi forced him to read, “you looked very somber.” Kuroko turned to him, piercing blue eyes uncannily familiar to Kise, like he was staring at Akashi’s twin. But, he  _ knew  _ Akashi did  _ not  _ have a twin because then that would mean Akashi had a hard on for his twin, and Akashi is fucked up but not  _ that  _ fucked up. 

“Uh, yeah. That’s me: somber Kise. I should start a club with Himuro. We could call it the emo club.” He joked. Kuroko did not laugh. Well, this was even more awkward than the time Kise mistook his grandma as a hot guy (from the back, ok?! Her hair was just super short and she liked to be as punk style as Kuroko). 

“Anyway, I should probably go. I have water to plants and stuff, you know?” Kuroko remained unfazed.

“Water to plants?” He quoted, his monotone eyes starting to give Kise the creeps (just a little bit though). 

“Uh, yeah.” He really needed to stop starting his sentences with that. “I’m just gonna leave.” 

“Be careful on your way home.”  _ Okay, thanks Mamakashi #2. Eew, okay I need to get those images out of my brain.  _

“You too. Bye.” Kise fled. Again. He gathered up all his belongings, jumped off the bleachers, and booked it out of there faster than Murasakibara heading towards an all-you-can-eat cake buffet. The blond also stupidly decided to keep glancing behind his back like a victim in the middle of a horror movie being chased by the killer, but hey! He was stressed and really tired, and in his defense, a little afraid that the guy he just chatted with was either a figment of his imagination or a vengeful ghost. He’s seen enough paranormal movies to personally know.

“Ooof!” Kise barrelled straight into someone in the midst of his escape. He didn’t bother glancing up as he collected himself, eyes cast down to the ground. The person did have a pair of really nice looking sports shoes though--like Jordans or something sporty like that. 

“Hey, watch where you’re---” Oh  _ fuck  _ no. Kise backed away a little, his face souring like Akashi whenever he passed Imayoshi in the hallway. It was like Midorima eating a lemon or the lemon being eaten by Midorima because  _ real talk _ , no one wants to be anywhere near Midorima’s sarcastic, biting mouth other than Kagami. 

“Uh, sorry, gotta go.” Kise babbled, speeding his way past an oddly silent Aomine. He could definitely guess why Aomine was so brooding and angsty, but he wasn’t about to confront the man about what happened in the chat either. Aomine’s response with the whole winky face and everything confirmed Kise’s theory since they first bumped into each other: he was a fuckboy.

“Wait, aren’t you Kise?” Fuck. Kise began to sweat nervously. He decided on either running away as fast as his out of shape body could or pretending to be a new student, foreign of the school’s policies and even more foreign to this male--definitely the latter then. Kise was not about to be American football tackled to the ground by an overzealous, possibly horny Aomine.

“Uh, no.” How did Hara sound like again? “I mean, no. I’m Hara.” He pretended, his voice deepening a little.  _ Fucking hell! There’s no way he’ll fall for that!  _

“Oh, okay. See you later, Hara.” Aomine shrugged nonchalantly before turning his back to Kise and heading towards the bleachers where the phantom probably was still lurking around. Kise heaved a breath of relief as he walked further away from the track and closer towards the entrance of the school, where he would walk home and never speak of this ordeal again. 

Unfortunately, as he was passing by the gym, his eye caught onto Takao’s shooting form; the said male threw the ball effortlessly into the basket before wiping off sweat using his arm. And even more unluckily for Kise, Takao managed to spot him, despite the blond’s attempts at hiding behind a tree thinner than a pole. 

“Oh, Kise!” Takao loudly shrieked--like a banshee shriek, it was enough to catch everyone’s attention inside and outside of the gym. Kise paled. He quickly glanced over to a paused Aomine, who was almost at the bleachers and possibly wouldn’t have heard Takao’s loud fucking mating call. Kise cursed himself. He really hated his life.

“Fucking Takao!” Kise yelped in reply, throwing his arms up in an “I give up” gesture. He stormed away from the gym, eliciting a confused noise from Takao and inquiring questions from the rest of the team about the moody blond. Kise stomped away past the gym and closer to the school. 

Suddenly, something warm latched onto his arm and with an undignified screech, he was pulled back from walking forward and thrown against the wall of the school. He blinked from the shock of his body being twisted around like a ragdoll. Glancing up, Kise’s eyes widened behind his bangs at the sight of one Aomine Daiki, panting heavily with a dark gaze that almost seemed to resemble a beautiful lapis lazuli with incredible luster.

“I knew there was something off about you!” Aomine growled, his face ducking down until their noses almost met. The warm breath fanned over Kise’s face; he was glad for his long bangs or else Aomine would notice how visibly flustered and gay he was. In his defense though, the last time someone engaged in close contact with Kise was probably back when he was a child and his mother kissed his cheeks all the time. Now, not so much.

“Oh, wow, you caught me.” Kise sarcastically said, rolling his eyes. “What gave it away? My obviously  _ blond  _ hair or how nerdy I’m dressing?” 

“Shut up!” Aomine trapped Kise closer, his muscled arms on either side of Kise’s head. Kise turned his nose up--he really needed to stop hanging out with Midorima and Akashi too much--and glared in defiance at Aomine.

“And what if I don’t?” 

“I’ll  _ make  _ you.” Shit. This was sounding even gayer than Kise expected and he honestly didn’t know what to do. He kind of wanted to taste Aomine on his lips, to see if Aomine would battle him like he expected or gently kiss him as the wind would. He wanted to melt against the heated wall from the sun and bask in the light emitting from Aomine’s shining form. He also wanted to knee Aomine in the balls, so his brain was very confused. Was he horny or angry??

“Shut up.” Kise feebly retorted. His face was aflame, he could feel it. “Shut up and just let me go, assprick.” 

“I told you to shut up first.” 

“Wow, what are you, five?” 

“Yeah, five inches deep in your mom!” 

“Okay, too fucking far, _ Dicki. _ ” Kise growled, pushing his head up until their noses were touching and his searing gaze burned through his bangs into Aomine’s animalistic ones. Their breaths mingled together in a hot flush of air that caused Kise’s knees to wobble like jelly and goosebumps to rise on the back of his neck.

“Don’t call me that.” Aomine warned. Kise snorted.

“And if I don’t?” He parroted mockingly. Aomine pressed against him first, rippling body pushing Kise against the school’s walls. Heat rose up into Kise’s head. He hated not being in control. He hated being manipulated by someone else and hated that that someone turned out to be Aomine fucking Daiki, the hotheaded basketball player who fucking threw a basketball at the back of his head and didn’t even fucking  _ apologize.  _

Kise felt the fury rush to his head, and like a volcano, he erupted. Kise surged forward first, his lips set into a grim line. Without even thinking of the repercussions, he acted on instinct. His hot skin met with just as hot skin. 

With a sickening thunk, his forehead hurled against Aomine’s own, causing the two to separate faster than  _ One Direction _ . Kise flew back, his forehead probably as red as Akashi’s hair or flaming homosexual feelings for Kuroko. His back thumped harshly against the brick wall, but he thought of how fucking  _ worth it  _ it was to enact on his revenge. Aomine’s body staggered back, and Kise pretended not to see the small tent in Aomine’s pants before it disappeared as a magician’s magic trick would. 

“You  _ fuck--! _ ” Aomine cursed aloud, a whole string of cuss words following after his shaking voice. Kise winced; his migraine still followed his brain and the resulting throbbing pain from his attack on Aomine didn’t help matters. The blond stumbled back, grabbed his backpack, slung it over his back, and inched away from the infuriated bull that was Aomine.

“Next time, how about you DON’T FUCKING THROW A BASKETBALL AT MY HEAD, SHITFACE?!” Kise screamed before he fucking booked it out like Sonic. He knew exactly when shit hit the fan (from personal experience) and he would much rather retreat with a five second head start before Aomine in all his bull glory charged at him at maximum speed and fury.

“KISE!” Kise ran faster. 

“COME BACK HERE, YOU BLOND ASSHOLE! I WILL FUCKING  _ MURDER  _ YOU!” Kise ducked into the school building and headed straight towards the girls’ bathroom. It was late after school and he prayed that no wandering girls would be inside the bathroom as he pathetically hid inside a stall. 

Fortunately, there was no one. He locked the stall door behind him and sat on the dirty toilet seat. Outside, he could still hear Aomine screeching out his name, but the other man was quieted easily by a nearby teacher. Silence reigned once more. 

Kise waited fifteen minutes before he left.

 

 

 


	2. the hunger games 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Akashi denies his homosexuality for a certain blue haired punk, Kise dies, Midorima's pissed, MuraSaku is introduced, Aomine doesn't even get a cameo in the chapter, Kuroko is hot as hell, and Takao is the REAL MVP of the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao remember when i said this would have slow updates
> 
> whoops
> 
> i haVE SCHOOL TMRW AND HW YET HERE I AM BEING TRASH ONCE AGAIN LMAO 
> 
> this is all in akashi's pov this time and i'm thinking of switching back and forth between kise + akashi bc these two are the main homos of the whole fanfic so lol
> 
> unbetad as usual, cracky af, and the chat posts are my new fav thing lol enjoy!!

 

 

 

Akashi Seijuurou hated Kuroko Tetsuya. No, really, he  _ really  _ hated Kuroko. As in, if they were the last two surviving members of a zombie apocalypse, Akashi would kill that son of a bitch instead of trying to be friendly with that asshole. He would much rather eventually break down from insanity of being the last person left  _ alive _ than actually live in the same planet as one Kuroko Tetsuya. Yeah, that’s how much he  _ abhorred  _ the man.

So, why did his friends think otherwise? After his friends mentioned how much he trash talked Kuroko, Akashi wondered if he was just being that obvious or if his friends were reading too much into his situation. Because he definitely did  _ not  _ like Kuroko. Nope. Not at all. Like if they were forced to be stuck in a room, Akashi would rather slit Kuroko’s throat than have to engage in any conversation with him. 

Granted, they never really  _ conversed  _ with each other, other than a few simple greetings and polite chatter, but the sentiment was still scarily real. Akashi hated Kuroko. Got it? Got it. 

I mean, yeah, Akashi begrudgingly had to admit that Kuroko was a lot smarter than his appearance gave away. And  _ yeah,  _ Kuroko was nice to everyone, despite always being ignored by his lack of presence, and  _ yeah,  _ Akashi really liked the ink on Kuroko’s body and his fashion sense and his witty humor that sometimes even had  _ Akashi _ \--emotionless, uneasily fazed Akashi--chortling lowly. The point is, Akashi stands firm by his hatred towards Kuroko.

There was just something about him that heated Akashi up. Literal heat would travel unpleasantly from his chest, to his face, then dip all the way down to his toes in a weird tingly feeling that caused his toes to curl sometimes. He didn’t know  _ why,  _ but he could only surmise that Kuroko’s existence obviously and absolutely infuriated him. There was no other explanation, at least, according to Akashi. 

Takao and Izuki, however, thought otherwise. 

“Doesn’t that just mean you’re in love with him, though?” Takao questioned one day when Akashi brought up how furious he was at Kuroko (again). Izuki nodded in agreement, his trusty notepad opened up as he scrawled down a shitty pun. 

“What? No.” Akashi instantly denied. He cursed himself inwardly for losing character and reverted back to his normal, pompous attitude. “I mean, of course not. I would not dare lump myself with Kise.” He sneered at the mere thought. Kise may deny his obvious love (or lust) towards Aomine, but Akashi’s seen enough bull from when Midorima lusted after Kagami’s ass and vice versa.

“Yeah, sure.” Takao rolled his eyes. He was currently laying on Izuki’s lap, the latter using his free hands to comb through Takao’s hair. Takao closed his eyes in a short moment of bliss before reopening them to stare at Akashi with steely dark eyes that illustrated exactly why he was dubbed as the “hawk-eye”. 

“I’m not in love with Kuroko.” Akashi continued, unknowingly digging his own grave, “Have you not been listening to me this whole time, Takao?” He narrowed his eyes dangerously, but the effect remained pointless after Takao realized that Akashi wouldn’t actually harm any of his close friends. 

“Oh, no, I have. But, it just sounds similar to Kise’s moaning, is all.” Takao observed. He stroked his chin with two nimble fingers, which appeared quite odd with how he was laying down. Akashi wondered why he even hung out with these two if they were just going to accuse Akashi for having a large crush on one Kuroko Tetsuya. If he wanted to suffer in discomfort, he could have been in his father’s presence. At least his father  _ paid  _ him (only because he was still under eighteen and the social workers would be on his father’s case faster than Kagami on Midorima’s ass). 

“Kise be _moaned_ the fact that he’s not _moaning_ under Aomine!” Izuki announced in complete glee. It was a pretty shitty pun, but Izuki was _trying,_ and the pun was sadly true and honestly very amusing.   
“Izuki, my man. I love you.” Takao fondly stated, patting Izuki’s cheek with one hand. Izuki beamed back at the other man, literal sunshine exuding from his form. Akashi kind of wanted to puke at all the affection being shown. 

“I’m not like Kise. I’m less whiny and overdramatic. Kise is, after all, a hopeless case, while I, on the other hand, am not. I am an  _ Akashi _ , after all.” 

“Yeah, yeah, the whole Akashi spiel.” Takao waved him off easily, ignoring the glare from the redhead. “Look, all I’m saying is that from  _ my  _ perspective, it sounds like you have a teensy tiny crush on Kuroko. And boy, I do  _ not  _ fucking blame you.” Takao whistled in appreciation at the thought of how muscled and slim and  _ pretty  _ Kuroko was once you got to notice him. Akashi frowned, but only because Kuroko did not deserve to be ogled at.

“Kuroko is pretty hot, man.” Izuki agreed. “Have you  _ seen  _ him without his shirt on? Like, I already have Takao, but Kuroko is hot as fuck. Ass fuck.” Izuki mumbled a few more things as he distractedly wrote down a few more puns. Akashi kind of wanted to  _ pun _ ch Izuki in the face.

“Izuki, when did you see Kuroko without his shirt on?” Takao asked in complete jealousy--of Izuki ogling other men or the marvelous sight of Kuroko without a shirt on, Akashi didn’t know. Probably the latter.

Izuki shrugged. “We have P.E. together. You know, I think he has a Prince Albert piercing.” 

“What the fuck?” Takao exclaimed in shock. “And you never told me?! Izuki, come on!” Izuki shrugged again in a totally unapologetic way. Akashi stared on, trying to process the information without actually imagining Kuroko with a piercing on his  _ genitals _ . 

“Hey, I’m not sure! Aomine was talking with Kuroko once and I guess they were talking about piercings and stuff as they were changing, I dunno. But, I overheard and Aomine was flipping the fuck out. He kept saying Kuroko had some real balls if he could have a piercing  _ there _ , which I assume is on his dick.” What was up with everyone and their fucking assumptions? First Akashi liking Kuroko and now Kuroko having a dick piercing.

Takao grinned evilly, and Akashi flushed. In a repulsed manner, of course. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” 

“Well, seeing as I’m always thinking of dick, yeah.” Izuki casually said. Akashi was partially curious and partially disgusted. 

“So, here’s the deal. We ambush Kuroko, pull down his pants and then--” 

“Alright, Takao, that isn’t a smart idea. You will be unable to graduate if this kind of behavior continues.” Akashi warns, mainly for Takao’s sake. “If the teacher catches you violating school rules as well as several laws, I presume, then you will eventually be expelled from the school. Do carry on, if you want; I have no reason to stop you nor do I care about your explicit activities. However, I am just warning you about--stop giving me that look.” Akashi glared at Takao’s leering grin and Izuki’s matching smirk. 

“I knew it!” Takao sang out, high fiving Izuki from the awkward position he was laying on. Akashi stared at the couple as if they admitted they had a feces kink. 

“And pray tell, what vacuous thought has sprouted within the confines of your empty mind?” Akashi questioned in a polite, yet passive aggressive way. Takao’s smirk grew, if possible, as he regarded Akashi with almost fond exasperation. 

“Well, either you  _ care  _ about me or you care about  _ Kuroko _ . It’s up for debate at the moment.” 

“Or you care about both.” Izuki added.

“Ooh, yeah! That too!” Takao whipped out his phone from his jacket pocket before unlocking the device. “I’m putting this down on the chat! Everyone on the chat needs to know! The  _ world  _ must know!” Takao remarked. 

Akashi sighed as his phone buzzed. He cautiously opened up the skype app on his phone, where Kise still hadn’t shown up for  _ days  _ either in school or on any social media. A surprise really, since Kise spent most of his time on the internet, so Akashi figured the blond must be reading fanfiction again or something as trashy as that if he wasn’t on any social media.

 

_ September 21, 2016 _

_ 12:06pm _

 

**o shit waddup:** akashi has feelings!!!!!

**don’t shun me:** i can indeed confirm that heartless akashi has feelings. More at 3 pm, when we discover the “shocking” news of akashi seijuurou’s crush on kuroko tetsuya

**dat boi:** I will not hesitate to eliminate you by any means, Takao, Izuki.

**nanodayolo:** finally. I was beginning to wonder when you would admit it, Akashi. Good thing you admitted it now or else I would have lost the bet.

**o shit waddup:** miDOR I N O

**don’t shun me:** u damn carrot… do u not care-ot about us?

**dat boi:** ….the bet?

**Tigger:** oh shit, shin, ur in some deep shit

**nanodayolo:** He was going to figure it out eventually. 

**dat boi:** The bet? Someone better tell me  _ now _ or so help me I will eliminate ALL of you.

 

_ nanodayolo’s name is now why would you do this _

 

**why would you do this:** ok who did this? Again?

**dat boi:** I’m giving you five seconds to tell me.

**don’t shun me:** whoops

**dat boi:** Five.

**o shit waddup:** ayoo that’s my shun! he’s a  _ shuning  _ star in my life ;)

**don’t shun me:** excellent pun, takao, or should i say, tak-wow

**dat boi:** Four. 

**Tigger:** uh guys

**why would you do this:** I DEMAND YOU CHANGE IT BACK

**o shit waddup:** lol u dont know how to change it back do u, carrot cake? :D

**dat boi:** Three. 

**Tigger:** GUYS

**don’t shun me:** LOL ur like an old man midorima

**dat boi:** Two. 

**Tigger:** _GUYS_

**why would you do this:** JUST TELL ME HOW TO CHANGE IT BACK TAKAO OR I’LL TELL IZUKI

**o shit waddup:** WHOA WHOA BRO CODE MAN

**Tigger:** FUCKIGN GUYS

**dat boi:** One.

**dat boi:** Hello, naughty children, it’s murder time. 

**why would you do this:** oh no

**Tigger:** I T RIE D FU CKiGn t ELL ING U H OMOS

**o shit waddup:** oh fuck guys he’s giving me the death look

**o shit waddup:** OH  _ SHIT  _

**don’t shun me:** wait akashi let’s talk about this

**don’t shun me:** WHERE DID YOU GET THAT KNIFE FROM

**o shit waddup:** AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**don’t shun me:** AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**why would you do this:** I find amusement in this.

**Tigger:** lol datz hot XD **  
** **why would you do this:** shut up, Taiga

**don’t shun me:** ajAKLDJF;AKLDFJKAHGO

**o shit waddup:** KSALDJFKADSJF;LKD

**Tigger:** 911?

**why would you do this:** I’m certain they are still alive. No need to take any drastic measures.

**Tigger:** u just want takao to suffer

**why would you do this:** HAVE YOU SEEN MY NAME ON HERE

**Tigger:** right

**dat boi:** You two are next. I’m giving you a five second head start. 

**why would you do this:** wait, akashi 

**Tigger:** akashi plz no

**dat boi:** FIVE

**Tigger:** AAAAAAHHH

**why would you do this:** AAAAAAAAAH

 

_ Cut for length.  _

 

**mi kasa es su kasa:** i heard you guys got detention wtf

**MCR is not dead:** i expcted this from everyone except akashi and midorima wtf happened

**MCR is not dead:** and why wasn’t I there

**mi kasa es su kasa:** honestly 

**mi kasa es su kasa:** same 

**MCR is not dead:** i mean im always ready for death and i heard all of yall got ur asses creamed

**mi kasa es su kasa:** tru

 

_ MCR is not dead changed the group name to #stopakashi2kforever _

 

**dat boi:** Have you two heard of this “bet” going on regarding Kuroko and I?

**Tigger:** if u value ur life say no

**MCR is not dead:** yes

**Tigger:** goddammit himuro u damn emo

**MCR is not dead:** i crave death leave me alone

**mi kasa es su kasa:** no

**Tigger:** wise man

**mi kasa es su kasa:** no srsly i’ve never heard of it and probably himuro too

**MCR is not dead:** what part of “i crave death” do u not understand kasa smh

**mi kasa es su kasa:** i like to watch ppl suffer… mainly kise

**MCR is not dead:** i hate u

**mi kasa es su kasa:** not to change the subject but where r u now kaga last i heard u guys went to the hospital

**dat boi:** I drove them there.

**Tigger:** which was real fucked up bc u beat us up then pay for our hospital bill???? wtf

**why would you do this:** Akashi has a tendency to do that. Back in middle school, it was a lot worse. At least he drove us to the hospital this time.

**mi kasa es su kasa:** what do you mean, “this time?”

**why would you do this:** Usually, he makes it into some twisted version of the Hunger Games. Whoever arrived last would have to pay for their own hospital bill.

**Tigger:** savage

**MCR is not dead:** so which middle school did you go to and why did I not go there

**mi kasa es su kasa:** stop thinking about death emo smh

**MCR is not dead:** YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE LEAVE ME ALONE

**Tigger:** wait so he would just make u guys run???? to the hospital?? with broken body parts???

**why would you do this:** Basically. Akashi would time us too. One time, Kise had a broken leg, and he obviously hobbled in last, and Akashi wasn’t happy with how long he took so he made Kise redo his lap. 

**Tigger:** @akashi y r u like this

**dat boi:** Midorima isn’t telling the truth.

**Tigger:** oh

**MCR is not dead:** dammit

**mi kasa es su kasa:** babe stop

**dat boi:** I made Kise run  _ two  _ laps :)   
**Tigger:** …..

**mi kasa es su kasa:** ….

**MCR is not dead:** ….

**Tigger:** harsh

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


Akashi doesn’t get detention. His friends are throwing him dirty looks and muttering profanities amongst themselves because  _ he  _ was the one to inflict injuries on them yet  _ he  _ ended up the only one scott free from the whole ordeal. Money truly is a powerful thing, they think.

Anyway, Akashi doesn’t want to go home yet, he’s not in any clubs, and there’s no one around he can harass, err, bother. Wait. There’s no one around for him to  _ kindly chat  _ with (that’s better). Well, technically, Akashi could always meet up with Kasamatsu or Himuro, but those two are on one of their “daily dates”. He doesn’t know when they decided to date, but apparently, according to Kagami, they bonded over their weird ass fetishes. As in, death for Himuro and pain for Kasamatsu (so it was like a BDSM relationship, but not really). 

So, Akashi decided to meet up with someone else. He waved his friends goodbye after class ended--resulting in piercing glares stabbing into his back as he merrily left the classroom--and walked exactly 245 steps before he reached a certain person’s locker. He hadn’t spoken to this person in a while, so he supposes that person can provide him entertainment before his friends leave the school. 

Akashi rests against the locker, feeling confident as ever but appearing as nerdy as a stereotypical nerd---fancy shoes, slacks, large glasses, messy, long hair nearly covering his eyes, and all. The redhead doesn’t care, however. He never really cared about appearances before, so why should he succumb to them  _ now _ , when it’s the last year of high school? Besides, he likes his nerdy bow ties and sweater vests. They make him feel professional and comfortable in a world so unlike his own. High school is nothing like the business world he grew up in, so dressing “professional” always helped him calm down.

“Ah, Akashi.” The redhead abruptly froze. He ever so slowly turned his head to the side to accommodate the light blue figure of his everlasting enemy. The redhead blinked blearily behind his glasses, wondering if he needed a new prescription already or if the person in front of him was some sort of hallucination after Akashi’s “murder spree”. 

“Kuroko.” He evenly greets, despite the familiar heat spreading through his body like a virus. He’s confused with himself, confused with Takao’s talk that’s messing up his brain and his prestigious, rich boy reputation because Akashi looks about one second from throwing up. He’s nauseous and his heart is pounding; could he be experiencing a heart attack of some sort?

“And how are you today, Kuroko?” His tongue is twisting into words his mind can’t comprehend. He, the famed Akashi Seijuurou, is--for the first time--lost on how to act, how to speak, and how to properly communicate with his constricting, dry throat and his flip flopping stomach. Kuroko furrows his brows a little in an endearing manner and presses a little closer into Akashi’s space. 

Akashi is hyper aware of everything. He’s suddenly wondering if he smells awful or if he has something stuck between his teeth--silly, trivial things that didn’t seem to  _ matter  _ until he met Kuroko. He thinks he hates Kuroko all the more for forcing him to become self conscious when there never presented a time in which he  _ had to be.  _ He was an  _ Akashi:  _ born to be winners and always receiving what they so desire. So, why did he want to bend down on one knee and impress the mundane man? Why did he  _ desire  _ to be acknowledged?

The only logical answer was that Kuroko, in some candid way, was looking down upon him, sneering at his mere existence every time they met. Akashi did not like that answer. He did not like the thought of Kuroko regarding him with animosity, nor of a depreciating manner. He does not like having Kuroko reign over his thoughts like  _ he’s  _ the supreme emperor instead of Akashi.

“Are you okay, Akashi?” There he goes again with that fake tone. Akashi hates it, hates it, hates it. He hates how the warmth from Kuroko flows over to him, encompassing his ice cold body that he’s  _ adapted  _ to and forcing his interior to cling onto Kuroko for  _ more, more.  _ Akashi’s accustomed to the emptiness of the husk of his body, has been accustomed to it since his mother left the world in a white gown and his father turned his head away from his only son. 

Akashi is no dependent man, and he hates Kuroko all the more for almost being dependent on him. 

“I’m… Fine.” He reassures through clenched teeth. His body is torn between knocking Kuroko away or dragging him unbearably closer until their bodies align and Akashi’s full of a heady vanilla scent that warms his chilled bones. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks instead, fighting down the urge from his body to do  _ something.  _ Kuroko fixes him with a slightly confused expression that flits across his serene eyes before he’s back to robotically functioning. Akashi is a bit proud he can read emotionless Kuroko this well and doesn’t dwell on  _ why  _ he can read Kuroko all too well.

“My locker is here, Akashi.” Kuroko responds with nothing less of puzzlement. Right. Akashi vaguely remembers visiting his friend several times while Kuroko lingered in the background, forgotten like white noise as he daintily gathered his folders and textbooks before leaving. 

“Oh, right.” Akashi attempts to cooly walk away from the locker, but his knees are wobbly and his feet aren’t cooperating with him (or qwoperating). The redhead backs away a little, watching Kuroko with bloody eyes and wondering exactly when, how, and why he started to stare at the gentle movements from the blue haired male, at the softening of his voice as he read an excellent book and the graceful way he danced around a crowd in the hallway. 

He hates Kuroko. He really does. But, when Kuroko softly closes his locker, black helmet in his hand and his backpack slung across his shoulder, Akashi truly questions his hatred as his eyes land on all of Kuroko’s form, down to his firm ass, then back to all of his body. 

“Aka-chin?” Murasakibara greets lazily, snapping Akashi out of his reverie. Akashi spins around to smile appreciatively at his friend, who’s opening up his locker at the moment. Murasakibara’s locker is directly next to Kuroko, which is curse to Akashi and his freezing body longing for the kind warmth from Kuroko, yet denying his feelings. 

“Ah, Atsushi. How have you been? I’m afraid I’ve been quite busy lately, so I haven’t been able to meet up with you as much. I apologize.” He likes Murasakibara Atsushi. Murasakibara is childlike and has a fearsome temper, but he’s also quite sweet when he wants to be and bears a kind of innocence that Akashi wishes to protect. No one protected the redhead when his innocence was tarnished, so he’s more protective of Murasakibara than he likes to admit. 

“‘S okay, Aka-chin. Ryou-chin’s always by my side.” As if suddenly hearing his name, Sakurai Ryou appeared out of thin air with a nervous smile and a tremble of his body that would give a chihuahua a run for its money. Akashi doesn’t blame him whatsoever. He knows about the rumors behind his back (mainly of him being a controlling, violent tyrant), and after sending his friends to the hospital (which, in his defense, was  _ not  _ entirely his fault), there’s no doubt in his mind that an anxious creature like Sakurai Ryou would be wary of him. 

“H-Hello! I-I’m S-Sakura Ryou! Sorry, I mean, Sakurai Ryou!” Sakurai introduces himself with a huge bow to his waist. Akashi amusedly watches as Sakurai jolts up at Murasakibara’s touch before relaxing into the giant’s humongous hand. 

“Pleasure.” Akashi knows that despite Sakurai’s weak exterior and jumpy attitude, he has a fine head on his shoulders and would not hesitate to reprimand Murasakibara and keep him in line (even if it’s accompanied by a thousand apologies). Akashi respects Sakurai enough, so he tones down on the intimidating, imposing aura and settles with an easygoing smile. Or well, as easygoing as he can make.

“I didn’t realize you two were dating.” He mentions, thinking of how many people were beginning to hook up this week alone. “I’m assuming this happened recently?” 

“Hmm? No.” Murasakibara shakes his head, long hair whooshing with him back and forth and reminding Akashi of a large, long haired dog--like Clifford, if he was purple. “Ryou-chin and I have been dating for two months now.” He cocked his head to one side in deep thought. 

“I didn’t tell Aka-chin?” Akashi is, admittedly, a little irritated that his friend considered to be close to him didn’t utter a single word about Sakurai. Sakurai eeps a little from the dark aura emitting from Akashi’s form and ducks behind Murasakibara. The taller man juts out his lower lip a little in a small pout, and Akashi knows he’s become soft the moment he relents. 

“I can’t fault you for that, I suppose.” He muses. “I know how absent minded you can be, Atsushi, so I’ll forgive you this time.” His words are dull and weak and  _ pointless _ to him, so he curses Kuroko inwardly in his head again for the millionth time. 

“Thanks, Aka-chin.” Murasakibara chimed in a sing-songy voice. Akashi can’t help but chuckle as he nods at Murasakibara and then to Sakurai. The brunette is partially behind Murasakibara, but slowly reveals all of his form as he steps forward timidly. 

“Take care of him, Sakurai.” He commands and receives a bobbing of a head from Sakurai. He smiles in satisfaction before pulling out a few candies he always saves in his backpack designed just for Murasakibara. The purple haired giant’s eyes light up as he holds both his hands out while Akashi drops a few tiny chocolates and other various candies into his palm.

As Murasakibara drools over his new treats, Akashi returns his gaze over to Sakurai. “Do you have a skype?” 

“Uh, yes, sorry!” Sakurai stumbles with his words. Akashi resists the urge to roll his eyes, and instead, nods in satisfaction. 

“Perfect. You can join our group chat, then.” 

“Group chat?” Sakurai curiously inquires. Akashi nods again. 

“Atsushi is always too indolent with communication through the internet, so I never know how he’s faring. I hope you’re nothing like that, Sakurai.” He claims, throwing in a toothy, sharp grin in for good measure. Sakurai shudders as an earthquake would as he clumsily and rapidly pulls out his phone to give Akashi his contact details.

“Excellent. You’ve joined the chat now.” Akashi congratulates, which sounds more like an ominous promise of death in the near future. The redhead checks the time, deduces he’ll make it back to the classroom in time of catching his friends before they fled the building, and pockets his phone. 

“It was wonderful meeting you, Sakurai.” He nods in approval. “I hope to hear more from the both of you.” Akashi stares at both of them for a long solid minute before turning on his heel and heading towards the direction of the English classroom, where detention is at. 

“Bye, bye, Aka-chin. Thanks for the sweets.” Murasakibara lazily waves, and Akashi smiles almost sweetly at the response from his old friend. 

The redhead languidly continued to stroll down the now empty hallway, bright light from the autumn sun streaming in through foggy, dirty windows. Akashi liked the solitude of the empty hallways. He liked to be immersed in his thoughts with little noises as a distraction. He liked to stare out the window in thought, watching the fluffy clouds drift by the vast ocean of sky--he loved gazing at the sky especially, wondering about the serene azule and basking in the warmth it brought him. 

He stared out the window of the second floor before his eyes trailed over to a familiar black clad figure with a sharp contrasting light blue clashing with the dark colors of his outfit. The male slowly bore the large, heavy helmet before he fixed his biker gloves with nimble, pale fingers. Akashi, unaware of the fact that he stopped in his tracks to ogle a certain someone out the window, continued to watch in rapt fascination. 

Kuroko’s movements were fluid and gentle, even as he cradled the bike’s handles in his gloved palms and revved the sleek, dark blue motorcycle to life. It purred under his gentle touches as he sat firmly on the seat and fixed the mirrors on his bike. After deeming his ride as safe and comfortable, Kuroko slowly backed out of his parking space with the swivels of his heavy head before proceeding to exit the parking lot. Akashi watched it all: how the sunlight gleamed against Kuroko’s outfit and the arch of his back as he propelled forward. 

Akashi stood there for another five minutes before wrenching his eyes away from the bright outdoors and continuing down the hallway to meet with his friends. He tried not to think of the blue sky nor the meaning behind why the light hue was his favorite color. And most importantly, he tried not to think of the black clad man with less presence than air itself, and exactly why someone like Kuroko impacted him so dearly. 

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


_ September 22, 2016 _

_ 4:03pm _

 

**kise kise fall in love:** im back

**o shit waddup:** where the fuck have u been

**carrot juice:** I don’t care about you unless you tell me how to change my name back.

**Tigger:** lol hey kise

**o shit waddup:** priorities, midori bUT SRSLY WHERE HAS UR HOMO ASS BEEN FAM

**kise kise fall in love:** i was dying leave me alone

**MCR is not dead:** diD SOMEONE SAY D EATH

**mi kasa es su kasa:** dammit himuro not everything is about death

**mi kasa es su kasa:** oh wait its kise nvm

**kise kise fall in love:** rude n fake af

**mi kasa es su kasa:** dont talk bout yourself like that kise

**Tigger:** LMAOOOO

**o shit waddup:** LMAOO I MISSED THIS

**o shit waddup:** i need a good roasting after this week smh

**kise kise fall in love:** i regret coming back already 

**o shit waddup:** too bad ur staying but srsly where tf u been @

**kise kise fall in love:** shit happend that’s all im saying

**Tigger:** was it gay shit

**kise kise fall in love:** ….. no

**mi kasa es su kasa:** why am i not surprised u homo

**kise kise fall in love:** shut up kasamatsu i kno ur dating himuro

**kise kise fall in love:** that’s a real low even for u

**kise kise fall in love:** but i guess he’s perfect for u bc he suits ur shitty tastes

**MCR is not dead:** ….

**Tigger:** ….

**carrot juice:** …..

**o shit waddup:** damn

**o shit waddup:** wtf happened to u kise holy hell

**mi kasa es su kasa:** i would say im impressed but i think ur a cock shit so

**MCR is not dead:** wow thx kise u said everything my mom said to me :)   
**Tigger:** ok 1) wtf kise and 2) shut up and stop being emo himuro ur mom is chill af wtf

**MCR is not dead:** UR NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM

**o shit waddup:** no srsly what happened kise wtf 

**kise kise fall in love:** its really bad

**Tigger:** it cant be that bad akashi sent us to the hospital

**kise kise fall in love:** i almost made out with dicki

**Tigger:** oh  _ shit  _ that is worse than akashi sending us to the hospital

**o shit waddup:** PICS OR IT DIDNT HAPPEN

**kise kise fall in love:** this happened like a week ago lol 

**kise kise fall in love:** and i’ve been avoiding school bc dicki be lurking

**MCR is not dead:** wait im confuse who is dicki

**carrot juice:** Aomine Daiki. 

**mi kasa es su casa:** shit and u say my taste in men is bad lmao

**kise kise fall in love:** im not in love with him tho

**Tigger:** …..

**carrot juice:** …..

**MCR is not dead:** ……

**o shit waddup:** ……

**mi kasa es su casa:** …….

 

_ Cut for length.  _

 

**kise kise fall in love:** what????

**o shit waddup:** should i tell him??

**MCR is not dead:** dont tell him shit let him suffer

**mi kasa es su kasa:** damn himuro lol

**kise kise fall in love:** what?? Im not in love with dicki?? is that a problem???

**Tigger:** if no one tells him i will

**mi kasa es su kasa:** KAGAMI NO 

**o shit waddup:** HURRY SHIN STICK UR DICK IN HIS MOUTH

**o shit waddup:** OR USE UR KINKY SEX TOYS TOYS AND WHIPS TO SILENCE HIM

**MCR is not dead:** damn takao pulling the punches lmao

**carrot juice:** i haVE NO SU CH THIN G

**Tigger:** no way shin you never told me u were into that ;)   
  


_ Pure cinnamon roll has joined the group.  _

 

**Pure cinnamon roll:** uhhh i think this is ab ad time for me to be joinging

**MCR is not dead:** lol 

**carrot juice:** oh great they’re spawning

**Tigger:** lol so who r u

**o shit waddup:** judging by the name ya gotta think innocent. like shin innocent back when he was a virgin

**carrot juice:** Takao, I will send you back to the fucking hospital.

**o shit waddup:** haha and then what ;)

**Pure cinnamon roll:** I’m sorry for being here i’m sorry akashi told me to be here sorry!!!!!!!   
**MCR is not dead:** well that explains who it is

**mi kasa es su casa:** oh yeah it’s sakura right

**Pure cinnamon roll:** um you can call me that if you want to it’s actually sakurai sorry!!!

**o shit waddup:** ooh new meat

**kise kise fall in love:** shut up gaylord

**o shit waddup:** AND PROUD

**carrot juice:** I’m leaving. 

**Tigger:** UH ME TOO I HAVE SOMETHIG TO DO SUDDENLY 

 

_ Carrot juice has left the group.  _

_ Tigger has left the group.  _

 

**o shit waddup:** ten bucks the thing kagami had to do was midorima ;)   
**kise kise fall in love:** fifty bucks they use midorima’s kinky toys

**MCR is not dead:** :O   
**MCR is not dead:** im with takao. prepare to lose fifty bucks kise

**mi kasa es su kasa:** oh so we’re all betting against kise ok

**mi kasa es su kasa:** then 60 bucks against kise

**o shit waddup:** OOOOH!!!!!! get ready to get reckt kise

**kise kise fall in love:** we’ll see taco tuesday we’ll see

**MCR is not dead:** damn kise 

 

_ o shit wassup’s name is now taco tuesday _

 

**taco tuesday:** i mean

**taco tuesday:** i do like tacos

**taco tuesday:** but???   
**MCR is not dead:** UR SUPPOSED TO BE UPSET DAMMIT

**kise kise fall in love:** takao is a sack of shit ok 

**kise kise fall in love:** ive been on this chat long enough to know that

**taco tuesday:** dont hate me cause u aint me ;)   
**MCR is not dead:** trust me i hate you for a lot of other reasons 

 

_ MCR is not dead’s name is now Himo-emo _

 

**Himo-emo:** I fuckiGN H ATE

**mi kasa es su kasa:** lol tru

**Himo-emo:** wHICH ONE OF U FU CKING

**kise kise fall in love:** um am i wrong tho

**Himo-emo:** i mean

**Himo-emo:** no

**Himo-emo:** but

**kise kise fall in love:** exactly

**Pure cinnamon roll:** ok i read all of the chat

**Pure cinnamon roll:** and I don’t understand the point of this???

**taco tuesday:** speaking of emos

**taco tuesday:** why did akashi make you come here????

**taco tuesday:** cause we have a lot of rules here

**Pure cinnamon roll:** uh he wants to check up on atsushi i think??? I don’t know sorry sorry sorry

**kise kise fall in love:** shut up taco ur full of shit

**taco tuesday:** no im full of izuki on a good day ;)   
**kise kise fall in love:** STOP

**taco tuesday:** never xP 

**taco tuesday:** anyway, rule number one

**Himo-emo:** is that you gotta have fun

**kise kise fall in love:** stop quoting marina and the diamonds smh

**kise kise fall in love:** that’s real gay

**kise kise fall in love:** like me

**taco tuesday:** ok well the REAL rule number one: u have to be gay

**Pure cinnamon roll:** um

**mi kasa es su kasa:** lol 

**Himo-emo:** @kise kise fall in love whats ur fav song by her

**kise kise fall in love:** teen idle

**Himo-emo:** i think we’re going to be good friends, kise

**kise kise fall in love:** is it bc of the death

**Himo-emo:** no duh

**taco tueday:** RULE NUMBER TWO: u have to eat ass

**Pure cinnamon roll:** uM

**taco tuesday:** like for more than five seconds we dont do that booty licking

**taco tuesday:** its gotta be like straight out eating someone out like a buffet got it

**mi kasa es su kasa:** isn’t that the same thing as being gay

**taco tuesday:** no. straight ppl suck ass too i know a straight person trust me. RULE NUMBER TRES: be respectful 

**taco tuesday:** like dont be judgemental and shit and u gotta respect other ppl and i s2g if ur a donald trump supporter i’m going to stick my foot so far up ur ass that the dentist will be plucking my toes from ur teeth got it

**Pure cinnamon roll:** alkdfjalk;dfjaf

**kise kise fall in love:** i dont know whats worse taco quoting tumblr or the thought of taco eating out izuki

**Himo-emo:** both

**kise kise fall in love:** tru

**taco tuesday:** AND THE FINAL RULE: and this is the most important one u better be taking notes kiddo

**Pure cinnamon roll:** lakdjflaksdfjasdklf;wioeuri

**mi kasa es su kasa:** i think u broke him

**taco tuesday:** u have to be able to seduce akashi

**Himo-emo:** i was thinking of something 

**Himo-emo:** but this is much better

**kise kise fall in love:** LMAO 

**kise kise fall in love:** that’s the most important part. i only barely got in smh

**Himo-emo:** same

**taco tuesday:** well i gotta suck a fart out of izuki’s ass now

**kise kise fall in love:** pics or it didn’t happen

**taco tuesday:** so good luck kiddo

**taco tuesday:** and @kise kise fall in love come over to my house in five minutes ;)

**kise kise fall in love:** I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED AN IMPRTNAT THING I GOTA GO   
  


_ taco tuesday has left the chat. _

_ kise kise fall in love has left the chat. _

 

**Himo-emo:** should we tell him??

**Pure cinnamon roll:** ADFJALKSDJFOIEWFJOIFN

**mi kasa es su kasa:** nah

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


Akashi was very very  _ very  _ confused when a flustered Sakurai wearing something Himuro would step out of after buying clothes from Hot Topic. The brunette was just trailing after him and as Takao would elaborate, “lurking” around Akashi. The redhead didn’t go on the chat last night at all (due to his repressed homosexual feelings and his father’s stick-up-the-ass attitude), so he could only conclude that something happened on there. 

He was also considerably surprised when Kise showed up, looking worse than any character in  _ The Walking Dead _ as he trudged over to their first class and promptly collapsed into his seat. Kise’s long locks grew out further, extending its tips to the end of his nose, starting where the nostrils were. Furthermore, the blond was dressed worse than Sakurai and seemed to be releasing death into the atmosphere with how utterly  _ shit  _ he appeared.

“Kise.” Akashi acknowledged, ignoring Sakurai’s nervous blabber behind him as someone confronted the brunette on his obviously strange attire. Kise mumbled something incoherent before his head rose up to blankly stare at Akashi through his emo bangs.

“Fucking Akashi.” Kise mumbled. “I’m not in the mood for your shit right now or anyone else’s fucking attitude so make like a bush and leaf me alone.” 

“Impressive pun, Kise. However, I do believe it would have been better without the sass.” 

“You know what, Akashi? Take your sass--you know, your sass? And stick it right back up  _ your ass _ .” Akashi blinked. Did he--infamous, intelligent Akashi Seijuurou with an extensive list of roasts written on the back of his palm--just get fucking  _ roasted _ by Kise fucking Ryouta? 

“DAMN, SON!” Takao hollered, throwing himself into the classroom with manic glee. So, yes. Takao did confirm that Kise did indeed burn Akashi. And it wasn’t even nine am.

“HELLO, 911? I JUST WITNESSED A MURDER!” Izuki screamed, adding to the complete fuckery of the morning class. Akashi pinned his friends with a glare, his eyes glinting eerily in a way in which reminded the couple of the hospital trip that happened not too long ago. Instantly, they shut their traps and whistled innocently. 

“Kise.” Akashi commanded for his attention, his tone a dangerous lilt. 

“What the fuck do you want?” 

“Do you recall what happened in middle school? Ah, forgive me, I’ve forgotten what it was that the team called it. Something like  _ the Hungry games _ ?” Kise sluggishly propped his head up from its relaxed position to swing his head over to Akashi’s spiteful look. It was nastier than any thought of making out with Aomine, Kise thought.

“Uh….” He began to sweat nervously. Akashi smiled in a sinister way.  _ Bingo _ .

“Oh, shit.” Takao stage whispered, typing furiously into his phone as Izuki scribbled down as many  _ death inducing  _ puns as his hand could create. To the side, Sakurai inched his way out of the classroom while Himuro suddenly burst out, loudly exclaiming that he could sense death from his death radar. I mean, he  _ was  _ right. 

“Answer me, Kise.” Akashi demanded. 

“Y-Yes…” Kise feebly answered.

“Good,” Akashi purred, his eyes closing as his malevolent smile widened. “Then, I hope you understand  _ fully  _ that I have no qualms in revisiting our  _ wonderful  _ middle school memories, don’t you agree?” 

“Not the hospital…” Kise whispered like a broken man reliving his PTSD nightmares (he probably was). Akashi nodded approvingly as he entwined his fingers together and calmly rested his chin on top of his hands. 

“Wonderful. I’m positively  _ delighted  _ to have this chat with you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to talk to a teacher about some basic homework problems.” The only sound in the room was Akashi scooting his chair back, the said chair scraping in a shrill voice across the waxed floors. The nerdy redhead leisurely collected his things before heading out of the doorway without a single glance back to the rest of the silent classroom. 

When he stepped into the hallway, Izuki and Takao burst out into rambunctious laughter as they teased Kise about his “look of despair”. Himuro quietly joined in, and Akashi left the room with a victorious smile on his face. 

Life was good. 

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


Life was  _ not  _ good because the fucking teacher decided that for their English project, the classroom would have to pair up, and to further rub the salt in Akashi’s fucking wounds, the teacher decided that  _ he  _ would pick the groups instead of allowing the students to decide. And of fucking course, the teacher thought it hilarious to pair Akashi up with Kuroko. Fucking Kuroko Tetsuya. 

“Akashi,” Kuroko greeted, bowing a little and appearing nothing like his outerwear suggested, “I hope we can get along for this project.” 

“Yes.” Akashi agreed through grit teeth; he glared at the teacher with more fire than the fucking sun had, “I hope we will get along  _ swimmingly  _ for this project.” The teacher flinched at the hard glare on him, but didn’t dare turn around to confidently meet Akashi’s eye. Akashi finally sighed, facing Kuroko with a tired expression on his face. The sleepless nights trying to deal with his deranged father and his haunting past of his deceased mother were truly beginning to take a toll on him. He feared that if he continued, the prestigious Akashi name would be slandered due to his misgivings.

“Ah, Shakespeare.” Kuroko commented, weaving his delicate hands through the rusty, beaten book as if the novel presented to him was his  _ everything-- _ the love of his life. Akashi gulped quite thirstily, but didn’t say anything further. His fears were certainly arising and proving to be difficult to manage with.

“You like Shakespeare, I take it.” Akashi stated the obvious. 

“I suppose.” Kuroko mildly replied, but the twinkle in his eyes and the softening of his smooth, marbled face told otherwise. Akashi observed the other male, his own crimson eyes scanning over the finer details of Kuroko’s heart shaped face, to his plush, light pink lips, and then to the curve of his button nose. Never before had Akashi seen a visage as aesthetically pleasing as Kuroko’s, but he would prefer to keep those thoughts shoved far into the darkness of his mind.

“Do you like Shakespeare, Akashi?” Akashi pursed his lips at the question directed to him. Kuroko patiently watched him with sky blue eyes that, when reflected in the harsh sunlight, seemed to show an array of vividly different colored blues as a gradient would entail.

“I suppose.” Akashi repeated, more out of animosity in his biting tone that seemed to fall short after meeting with Kuroko’s slightly bemused eyes. Heat swarmed into his chest, a numb, fuzzy feeling which evoked feelings he’d much rather leave buried in the secret garden of his mind.

Akashi’s phone buzzed incessantly, breaking the duo out of their own bubbled world. For that, Akashi was entirely grateful for the distraction for he could already feel the heat rising to the tips of his ears--at least his shaggy hair covered them up. 

The bespectacled man unlocked his phone without even attempting to cover it up. He knew his teacher wouldn’t dare call him out on the act, so he scrolled through his notifications with ease and pretended not to be affected by the amused, yet annoyed stare from Kuroko. In  _ blood orange  _ font, Akashi realized that the chat was  _ still _ active, despite everyone being in class. 

 

_ September 23, 2016  _

_ 1:39pm _

 

**taco tuesday:** AKASHI HAS FEELINGS I REPEAT AKASHI HAS FEELINGS

**carrot jizz:** sTOP CHANGING MY NAME

**Tigger:** lol 

**Tigger:** n wut do u mean he has the feels

**Tigger:** akashi is like satan

**taco tuesday:** im in class w/ him rn 

**taco tuesday:** n he got paired with kruoko LOL

**don’t shun me:** BABE DEETS

**kise kise fall in love:** PICRS OR IT DDNT HAPPEN

**dat boi:** I will end all of you if this continues.

**Tigger:** o shit here he comes

**don’t shun me:** oh he’ll be coming with kuroko alright ;)   
**taco tuesday:** yaaas izuki slay bitch slaaay

**don’t shun me:** ;) <3<3<3<3<3

**dat boi:** Would you like a repeat from two days ago? :)

**carrot jizz:** fucking stop you homos

**kise kise fall in love:** lol i cant take u srsly “carrot jizz” 

**Himo-emo:** ooh i got u fam

 

_ carrot jizz’s name is now carrot piss.  _

**carrot piss:** STOP

**kise kise fall in love:** nonono  _ i  _ got this

 

_ carrot piss’s name is now kinky  _

 

**kinky:** I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU. 

**dat boi:** ditto

**Tigger:** calm down babe 

**kinky:** I REFUSE

**kinky:** my faTHER CHECKS THIS PHONE

**dat boi:** At least your father cares about you.

**Tigger:** …..

**kise kise fall in love:** ……

**taco tuesday:** …..

**kinky:** ……

**Himo-emo:** ……

**mi kasa es su kasa:** ……

**don’t shun me:** …..

**Himo-emo:** damn

**kise kise fall in love:** i mean

**kise kise fall in love:** ur not wrong  _ but  _

**dat boi:** Now, all of you shut up and go back to class.

 

_ dat boi has left the group.  _

 

**taco tuesday:** ….sooo kise

**kise kise in love:** wut

 

_ taco tuesday has sent a picture. _

 

**Tigger:** OH MY GODDDD

  
  


Akashi was aware of the fact that Takao (bitch boy) Kazunari snuck a picture of him and posted it live on the chat. I mean, how could he  _ not _ ? Takao was literally one seat away from him, his phone on sound and vibrate as he obnoxiously snapped picture after picture of Akashi’s back and Kuroko’s face. Kuroko stared back and forth at Takao and Akashi before giving up on asking for a rational explanation for all of this chaos. 

“Just ignore him.” Akashi wisely advised. His eyes had been glued on the same line for the past five minutes because of how utterly  _ done  _ he was with everyone in this school, namely Takao. Takao’s partner--who was ironically Hyuuga Junpei--sighed in a resigned way before flipping through his own tattered book. 

“So, Akashi,” Kuroko said in an attempt to ignore the absolute fuckery of one Takao Kazunari. “What are your thoughts on this book so far?” 

“Julius Caesar is someone I aspire to be.” Kuroko blinked in surprise. 

“And why is that?” 

“Caesar is an ambitious man; however, he truly cares for the public’s well being. Unfortunately, his negligence towards the predictions of his wife and the soothsayer truly accents his death and his failure in preventing his friend’s betrayal baffles my mind. His untimely death could have be avoided if he simply considered the omens and--” 

“O KUROKO--I MEAN--ROMEO, ROMEO. WHEREFORE ART THOU ROMEO?” Takao cheered at the top of his lungs, interrupting Akashi’s rant on the characterization of one Julius Caesar. Akashi snapped his head around to glare offensively at Takao. The raven haired male currently stood on top of the desk, his arms in a dramatic flourish as he gazed off into the distance. 

“What is he---” Hyuuga choked as Takao thrust his arm out, as if reaching towards the clock on the side of the wall. Students snickered, most of them whipping out their phones to record the facetious male while the teacher rubbed the bridge of his nose in irritation.

“DENY THY FATHER AND REFUSE THY NAME--” 

“Takao, get down from there.” The teacher demanded, but Takao disregarded the poor, under-paid man to continue his disgusting spouting of  _ Romeo and Juliet _ . Kuroko watched on, distraught on how to act in this sort of situation while Akashi began video recording the whole thing. He liked the ambiance. 

“--OR IF THOU WILT NOT, BE BUT SWORN MY LOVE--” 

“Takao, I will call the  _ security guards  _ if you don’t stop.” 

“AND I’LL NO LONGER BE AN AKASHI--I MEAN A CAPULET.” Akashi did  _ not  _ like where Takao’s speech was going. 

“I’ll handle this.” Akashi announced as he swiftly scooted his chair back and rose to his full height. He fixed his bottle cap lenses and quickly jumped on the chair before knocking Takao down with an agile cut of his throat. Takao slumped down as Akashi caught him easily before roughly manhandling him out of the classroom. 

“Uh, Akashi…” Hyuuga meekly piped up. Akashi paused in his step, a chill inducing, deathly grin etched across his face. Imagine all the fake creepypastas and that’s basically how Akashi looked at the moment. 

“Yes, Hyuuga?” Akashi asked, sickly sweet. Hyuuga gulped, but he needed his partner and a good grade, dammit!  
“Can you just make sure he’s at least a little alive? I kind of need him for our project, so….” 

“That can be arranged.” And with that, the redhead departed from the room and slammed the door behind him while Takao feebly thrashed in Akashi’s hold. 

The room was as silent as a cemetery. When they heard Takao’s screeches of help and the sickening sound of a thump, the classroom decided to pretend nothing happened. Everyone knew better than to fuck with Akashi when he was angered, after all. 

 

 

 


	3. kuroko-shitsuji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takao is somehow still alive, Kise plays to win, Akashi is planning for Kise's death, Aokise happens, and nobody knows what the hell is going on anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //starts this chapter off with a chat bc im trashy like that
> 
> i legit have 20 pages written down for this chapter smh and almost half of it is all chats lmao whoops
> 
> i fucking love chats god bless i just l o ve them ok ay???
> 
> anyway, unbeta'd as usual, etc. Im really sorry if this part is like not as funny as the other chapters but i really tried and like im not even really funny in the first place i just make a lot of death jokes and roast myself 24/7 so??? idk man lmao
> 
> pls enjoy???

 

 

 

_ October 1, 2016 _

_ 2:04pm _

  
  


**Tigger:** i cant believe taco is dead

**kinky:** i can

**Himo-emo:** thats bc u hated him lol

**mi kasa es su kasa:** wait wut happend and y does things always happen when im not around wtf

**Himo-emo:** same wtf 

**Himo-emo:** @akashi pls kill me : )

**dat boi:** No. :)   
****

**Himo-emo:** u jizz guzzler

**Tigger:** omfg tatsuya sto p

**dat boi:** I suggest you shut your dirty whore mouth, sweaty :)

**mi kasa es su kasa:** damn

**Himo-emo:** i cant even argue against that lol

**mi kasa es su kasa:** oh i know ;)   
****

**Tigger:** ok stop right there u nasties

**kise kise fall in love:** says the one being tied up and gagged by a literal fucking carrot

**kinky:** shIT UR S HUT

**Tigger:** lol

**Himo-emo:** lol

**kinky:** By the way, what happened to Takao anyway? He hasn’t been in school for a week. 

**kinky:** Not that I care or anything. 

**Himo-emo:** u aint fooling nobody carrot jizz

**dat boi:** Don’t worry. Takao’s in a better place now. :)

**Tigger:** …..

**kise kise fall in love:** …..

**Himo-emo:** ….. 

**kinky:** ……

**mi kasa es su kasa:** ….

**mi kasa es su kasa:** petition to stop akashi 2k16?

**kise kise fall in love:** um have u  _ seen  _ the chat name

 

_ dat boi changed the group name to #cantstopwontstop _

 

**dat boi:** You’re welcome.

 

_ dat boi’s name is now Kuroko Seijuurou. _

 

**Kuroko Seijuurou:** I will literally obliterate all of you and this time, I’m not paying for the hospital bill.

**Tigger:** lol who did it

**Kuroko Seijurrou:** I can take a wild guess. Oh, and…

 

_ kise kise fall in love’s name is now I love Aomine Dicki _

 

**I love Aomine Dicki:** HOW DID YOU KNOW

**Kuroko Seijuurou:** I know everything, Kise. Now, you can either change it back or I will send those photos of the time when you stole Midorima’s lucky item. 

**kinky:** wait what

**Tigger:** ooh get em akashi

**I love Aomine Dicki:** o yeah well i have the photos takao sent me plus the photoshop edits mayuzumi helped me make

**Himo-emo:** i am so lost

**mi kasa es su kasa:** same. @himo-emo want to go make out under the bleachers

**Himo-emo:** k

**Kuroko Seijuurou:** ….Photoshop edits? Mayuzumi?   
****

**kinky:** Isn’t Mayuzumi known for being a fudanshi??   
****

**Tigger:** lol datz gay af xD

**I love Aomine Dicki:** stop

**kinky:** stop

**Kuroko Seijuurou:** dont stop

**Tigger:** k

**Tigger:** wait kise what photoshop edits

**I love Aomine Dicki:** pm me bc i aint about to get my ass murdered lmao

**I love Aomine Dicki:** i suffered enough death from akashi in middle school 

**Kuroko Seijuurou:** Are you still bitter I made you run two laps with a broken leg?

**Kuroko Seijuurou:** That was all in the past, Kise. It’s time to move on. 

**I love Aomine Dicki:** I AM NOT

**I love Aomine Dicki:** BITTER

**I love Aomine Dicki:** yoU M AD e M E s run stwo fu ck INEg m il eES 

**I love Aomine Dicki:** wi tTH WA  BORK EN L egg

**Kuroko Seijuurou:** Sounds like someone can’t… Leg it go…

**kinky:** I officially hate my life.

  
  


Kise stopped writing after that. He supposed he could always go interrupt Kasamatsu and Himuro gaying it up behind the bleachers, but he didn’t want to figure out if the rumors about Himuro being in a demonic cult was true, so he cancelled that option out. Instead, Kise decided to bother someone else, someone who understood his pain most of the time because he hated Akashi as much as Kise did at times. 

The blond lightly jogged over to the library, where Mayuzumi would no doubt be found tucked away in one of the corners, reading a shitty light novel with an even shittier title and cover art of a half neko girl being attacked by alien tentacles or some shit. Yeah, Mayuzumi was fucking  _ weird _ . 

“Hey, Mayuzumi.” Kise greeted as soon as he spotted the gray haired sinner. Mayuzumi grunted, flipping through his shitty light novel with a practiced hand and dog earing any pages that truly caught his interest. Kise rolled his eyes, sitting in the couch adjacent to Mayuzumi’s own. 

“I’m bored, Mayuzumi.” Silence. “Come on, Mayuzumi, entertain me.” Kise whined, slumping down further into his seat as Mayuzumi continued to ignore him. Kise pouted, but didn’t say a word as he idly picked up one of the old housewives’ magazines and boredly flipped through the “scandalous pages” and “how to lose fifty pounds in two weeks!” articles. If Kise wanted to read through fake as fuck articles, he would be hanging out with Haizaki, not reading tips on how to woo your man in bed. 

“Mayuyu, akakuro is canon.” The result was instantaneous. Mayuzumi lowered his book and seriously eyed Kise up and down. 

“Who asked out who?” Mayuzumi asked, looking as thirsty as Akashi towards Kuroko’s ass (and yes, Kise has  _ seen  _ Akashi eyeing Kuroko’s pert ass like it was some fucking buffet). Kise grinned, leaning forward into his chair while Mayuzumi copied his actions. They appeared to be like gossiping teenage girls demanding to know the juicy “deets” about how Brenda got asked out by football jock Brad or some shit. 

“Well, you see…” Kise beckoned him closer before swiveling his head back and forth to check for any signs of a certain redhead or a blue haired fellow. Mayuzumi obliged, usually dead fish eyes gleaming with excitement at the prospect of his number one otp being canon finally. 

“No one asked anyone out.” Kise whispered mockingly, grinning when Mayuzumi snapped his head back with an offended glare and angrily flipped through his light novel to relieve his frustration. Kise laughed. Man, did he love fucking with people. It was a nice, refreshing breath of air after always being roasted by his friends.

“Go fuck off, Kise.” Mayuzumi snarled. Kise rolled his eyes at the melodramatic antics of his companion. Mayuzumi was like Kise, only more saltier than the goddamn ocean and as bitter as the strongest, black coffee. Yes, Mayuzumi was a  _ real  _ treat. 

“Been there, done that.” Kise replied easily, settling back in his chair with a smug smile. “Anyway, technically, I wasn’t lying.” 

“So, the bet is still on?” Mayuzumi asked curiously, despite having been furious at Kise only five seconds beforehand. Kise shrugged, but a darker glint gleamed in his golden eyes. Mayuzumi was kind of glad that Kise’s bangs were so long lest he actually notice how absolutely bloodthirsty Kise looked. 

“You know, Mayuzumi,” he drawled, “there’s only two people left in this bet.” 

“Oh great.” Mayuzumi sarcastically responded, but he gingerly placed his novel down to give Kise his undivided attention. 

“Me and Kagami. We’re the only two left.” He stuck out two fingers to emphasize his words. Mayuzumi scowled at him--like Kasamatsu did on a daily basis--with sharp teeth, looking as if he was about to bite off Kise’s offending fingers. Kise wisely chose to tuck his hand into a tight ball and settle his fist onto his lap. 

“Are you going anywhere with this? Or are you going to speak in a cryptic language and continue to sabotage my alone time with Hime-chan?” Mayuzumi rolled his eyes and gestured towards his forgotten book lying innocently on his lap and most likely covering up his boner (because come on, Mayuzumi was complete and utter  _ trash  _ when it came to his “waifus”).

“Let’s just say I’m about to get $500 richer.” Kise grinned in satisfaction. He was honestly really glad that Akashi didn’t decide to partake in this bet (though it was kept a secret for a reason) nor the one with Midorima and Kagami. Kise thought of his wallet with uncontained mirth, thinking of the extra $120 he made from the Midorima and Kagami bet alone. 

“Okay, and why do I care?” 

“I need your help.” Kise continued, pensively peering over at Mayuzumi as if to determine his value. He nodded to himself afterwards. “My time is almost up, so I’m going to need your help with winning this bet.” 

“Wow. I feel used as fuck.” 

“Call it whatever you want. I’ll split the bet money 50/50.” 

“....Go on.” Kise resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He could practically hear the cash register noise going off in Mayuzumi’s head at the idea of gaining $250 easily enough. There was only one last opponent to crush, so it’s not like it would be hard--they were competing against airhead  _ Kagami  _ after all. 

“I need you to help me set up Kuroko and Akashi.” Kise summarized as he crossed his arms. Mayuzumi blinked at him once, twice. Then, after the third time filled with a tension filled silence, his laughter rang through the dusty bookshelves. Kise arched a curious, invisible eyebrow unseen past his long golden bangs. He wondered if Mayuzumi finally lost the tiny last bit of sanity left or if having Imayoshi as a boyfriend truly fucked up someone’s brain. He was betting on the latter.

“You’re a real riot, kiddo.” Mayuzumi snorted. “What the fuck do you think I’ve been trying to do since fucking sophomore year, when Kuroko started trying to stand out with his punk fashion? Not gonna lie though, Kuroko is hot as hell.” Kise nodded in agreement. Kuroko  _ was  _ hotter than Satan’s asshole.

“I know, but you’ve got the whole planning part wrong. See, you’ve been trying to shove them into lockers--” 

“That almost worked. Did you see how sweaty and red Akashi was?” 

“--locking them into the pool room--” 

“Yeah, and Kuroko was suspiciously panting.” 

“--and even pretending that Kuroko sent him a love letter, which by the way,” Kise glared at Mayuzumi’s protest about to spout out of his filthy mouth, “failed to work because you placed the letter in the wrong locker and Kuroko got mad at you.” 

“...It was going to work…” Mayuzumi muttered, mainly to himself. Kise rolled his eyes. 

“Anyway, you’re going about this all wrong. Instead of forcing them into situations causing them to hate each other--” 

“I mean, Kuroko doesn’t hate Akashi. He’s always asking why Akashi talks shit about him, but like, I’m pretty sure everyone knows, sans Akashi, that Akashi likes Kuroko. Or at least, lusts after him.” 

“Okay, first off, stop interrupting me.” Kise impatiently said. “And second off, it doesn’t matter who hates who. Point is, we need them to realize their feelings for each other.” He smiled suddenly, sweeping his bangs out of his eyes to reveal sunflower orbs that gleamed with exhilaration. Mayuzumi both dreaded and desired to know what the plan entailed.

He was not disappointed.

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  
  


_ October 5, 2016 _

_ 2:03 am _

 

**kise kise fall in love:** hello everyone 

**kise kise fall in love:** i have gathered u all today to

**bowser:** why tf am i here tho

**taco tuesday:** bc, rainbow overlord, ur the best person for advice

**bowser:** advice? 

**Tigger:** dont encourage him niji lol

**taco tuesday:** ye advice on how to be super gay

**taco tuesday:** like toss ur salad till ur name romaine kind of gay

**bowser:** did u just quote nicki minaj

**taco tuesday:** thats not what i wanted u to get out of this

**kise kise fall in love:** SHTU UP U HOMO MILK SHIT BAGs

**taco tuesday:** lol so who else did u invite

**kinky:** I refuse to be here. 

**taco tuesday:** ok so we got carrot jizz

**kinky:** foR THE L OVE OF

**taco tuesday:** rainbow king and tigger and probably kasa and emo 

**Tigger:** theyre making out on emo’s bed rn 

**kinky:** How do you even??

**Tigger:** emo asked me over to play mario kart but… 

**Tigger:** they excused themselves to leave like half an hour ago 

**Tigger:** so either they got some weird ass feces kink or theyre banging

**bowser:** i don’t need the visual k thx

**Tigger:** ohh i hear them now

 

_ Tigger sent a video clip.  _

 

**bowser:** …. 

**bowser:** im not opening that

**taco tuesday:** ooh but i am

**kise kise fall in love:** L OOok fu YS I HAe fsomethGN IM PORTANT TO S ay

**bowser:** then fucking say it u shit hole

**kinky:** He’s not wrong, Kise. You’re disturbing my study time. 

**taco tuesday:** so studying.. or  _ studying _ ???

**Tigger:** well

**kinky:** dONT ANSWER THATTAIGA

**Tigger:** well u heard the man

**taco tuesday:** lol fucking whippppeeeddd

 

_ Tigger’s name is now whipped af _

 

**whipped af:** tru lol

**kinky:** Unbelievable. 

**kise kise fall in love:** _ ANYWAY _

**kise kise fall in love:** were gathered here today to discuss smtgh rlly important

**bowser:** wtf is this like a wedding or some shit 

**bowser:** y r we all so gay wtf

**kise kise fall in love:** JUST SHUT UP LOOK ILL LET SOMEONE ELSE EXPLAIN

**kise kise fall in love:** BC YALL DONT RESPECT MEENGOUGH

**kinky:** And for good reason

**whipped af:** lol 

 

_ kise kise fall in love has added hime hime daisuki  _

 

**hime hime daisuki:** wtf kise i told u to leave me alone

**hime hime daisuki:** i was getting to the good part on this fanfic smh

**whipped af:** who tf

**whipped af:** invited a weeaboo wtf

**hime hime daisuki:** shut the fuck up midorimas hard on

**taco tuesday:** LOL

**taco tuesday:** i already like him

**bowser:** wait so is everyone here except akashi

**kise kise fall in love:** yeah lol 

**bowser:** i think i like this chat already

**hime hime daisuki:** lol same

  
  


Meanwhile, with Akashi: 

 

**dat boi:** Salutations, everyone. 

**dat boi:** Oh, I see no one else is on. 

**dat boi:** Well, I guess this is a good time as any. 

 

_ dat boi added the only one who can beat me is me to the chat.  _

 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** STOP INVITING ME TO THIS FUCKING CHAT

**dat boi:** Don’t raise your tone on me, young man, lest you desire death. 

**Himo-emo:** DE A TH

**mi kasa es su kasa:** HI MU RO s t OP

**Himo-emo:** THE DAY I STOP IS THE DAY I DIE

**Himo-emo:** hopefulLY SOON 

**mi kasa es su kasa:** GE T O FF

 

_ Himo-emo has left the chat. _

_ mi kasa es su kasa has left the chat.  _

 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** uh

**dat boi:** Anyway, I was wondering if you would like to watch a movie with me. 

**dat boi:** No one else is on, so…

**the only one who can beat me is me:** uh im busy

**dat boi:** The only thing that’s on your schedule is death if you don’t watch a movie with me. :)

**the only one who can beat me is me:** but i guess im free now

**dat boi:** smart man. Anyway, what do you think of the movie, “A Walk to Remember”? 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** ……. 

**the only one who can beat me is me:** its a sad movie man

**dat boi:** Excellent. Let us proceed. 

  
  


Back to the original chat, Kise typed in frustration until he realized that they were legitimately going to go nowhere on this damn chat unless they actually  _ listened  _ to him. So, he managed to convince all of them for a group video chat, with probably more chaos than a white mom’s van driving her soccer team to the big game. 

“Is this thing on?” Takao’s loud voice shrilly met Kise’s ear and Kise wrenched the headphones out of his ear before lowering the volume. Judging by everyone else’s flinch and pained expression on their faces, Kise wasn’t the only one affected by Takao’s loud as fuck mating call voice. 

“Yeah it is, but I don’t think my ears are  _ on _ right now.” Nijimura complained grouchily, rubbing the back of his ears for good measure. Everyone’s camera was on except for Kagami’s and Midorima’s, which seemed a lot more suspicious and scandalous than Kise expected or hoped. 

“Put your videos on, Kagamicchi, Midorimacchi!” Kise grinned infuriatingly wide at the given nicknames he chose for them after realizing how much they hated having nicknames. The blond laughed when Midorima cursed him out, but straight afterwards, his camera flicked to life, revealing the familiar, lovely face of everyone’s favorite tsundere. 

“Stop fucking calling us that.” Kagami grumbled as his video spluttered to life as well until the camera zoomed up onto his forehead. His dual arrow split eyebrows were comically huge in the shot, causing Takao to giggle openly while Nijimura and Mayuzumi snorted. 

“Kagami, you might want to scoot back a little.” Nijimura pointed out. “We can see your confusing as fuck eyebrows.” 

“They’re an abomination to this world, by the way.” Mayuzumi added blankly, rolling his eyes dully when Kagami flipped him off. Midorima opened his mouth, clearly intent on defending his boyfriend’s honor, but as if suddenly remembering his characterization and how he usually acted, shut his mouth with a firm clamp. 

“Shut up, you light novel weaboo.” Kagami retorted. 

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ insult my light novel or I will--” 

“Aw, you’re getting a weaboo-boo.” Kagami said in all his roasting savagery. Takao gasped melodramatically, nearly punching his face off with how he hid his laughter behind a fist. Nijimura chuckled lowly, but didn’t contribute much to the fact that Mayuzumi got  _ really  _ fucking roasted.

“I hate all of you,” Mayuzumi declares, as if he hadn’t already said that many  _ many  _ times before--and to their faces to boot. Kise rolls his eyes, but he enjoys not being the center of everyone’s crude remarks this time, so he doesn’t bother helping the silver haired man. 

“Anyway, not to cover up Mayuzumi’s burn, but, what the fuck are we doing here again? I don’t know about the rest of you fuckers, but I’m not about to stay around you assholes longer than necessary.” 

“True dat!” Takao chimes in, and gets shot down by the menacing glares from everyone around him. He shrugs, obviously not affected by the harshness of their scowls and goes back to typing a text to Izuki on his phone. 

“I’m just going to go right to the point.” Kise leans in to his microphone with a serious expression on his face. “I want Akashi and Kuroko--mainly Akashi--to stick their heads out of their assholes and stick their dicks in each other instead.” He crudely suggests, even going so far as to stick his finger into his other hand shaped as an “o”. 

“I’m so fucking dead.” Kagami chuckled.

“I, for one, agree with this brilliant plan!” Mayuzumi showed his absolute thirst for these gay homos while Midorima eyed all of them in disgust--like the disgust of discovering that Donald Trump was about to become president, and someone actually  _ made a fanfic and sold it on Amazon  _ called “Trump Temptations” about Trump banging a gay guy working for him. Great. Real fucking great.

“...Are you drooling, Mayuzumi?” Nijimura questioned with a furrow of his eyebrows. He adjusted his rainbow wristband nonchalantly as he spoke, as if illustrating indeed how gay Nijimura was.

“...No.” Mayuzumi slyly covered up his thirst by wiping away at his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie. 

“I refuse to have anything to do with this.” Midorima, always the voice of reason, began. He pushed his glasses further up his nose--and everyone ignored the completely adoring look Kagami shot to him on camera, god how gay can these homos  _ get _ \--before opening his mouth to rant out a speech on why they shouldn’t be trying to mess with fire (as in the flames of Akashi’s homosexual lust towards Kuroko). 

“Come on, Shin! Don’t be such a wet blanket!” Takao teased, setting down his phone long enough to cast Midorima with his signature shit eating grin. Midorima spluttered, shakily fixing his glasses as he yelled at Takao over the chat. 

“I am no such thing!” 

“Uh, Midorimacchi, no offense, but you kind of are.” Kise pointed out. “You have to live a little! Go out and do something productive! Like making Akashi realize how much he wants Kuroko’s dick--and his dick piercing!” 

“I KNEW IT! KUROKO HAS A PRINCE ALBERT PIERCING!” Takao screeched in victory, but he was drowned out by Midorima’s impressive soprano voice higher than any child’s scream. Kise was mildly impressed.

“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE IF THIS INVOLVES AKASHI?!” 

“The man has a point, you know.” Nijimura said. “Anything involving Akashi usually means death on our part.” 

“I thought that was Himuro.” Mayuzumi dully contributed to the discussion. 

“No, no, Himuro  _ wants  _ death and Akashi  _ creates  _ death. See the difference?” Kise explained. Nijimura made an “aah” noise of comprehension and they left it at that. 

“So, anyway, about Kuroko and Akashi banging…” 

“Wait, Kise, does this have anything to do with the bet that’s going on?” Kagami narrowed his eyes at Kise’s screen. “Cause if it does, I ain’t helping.”

“Damn, Kise.” Takao whistled. “I can’t believe you tried making us help you win the bet.” Kise began to sweat nervously. Shit. Kagami was not supposed to be this perceptive nor was he supposed to easily figure out Kise’s well thought out plan! Kise gravely realized how much he underestimated the faux redhead, and now he was paying the price. 

“Uh, of course not!” 

“Yeah, it does.” Mayuzumi, the traitor outed Kise. Kise gaped as a fish would when breathing underwater towards his used to be friend. Now, it was like Taylor Swift singing  _ Bad Blood  _ as Mayuzumi stabbed Kise straight in the back with a knife. 

“Et tu, Brutus?” The blond gasped, pretending to touch his bloodied back from the sustaining back injuries from one Mayuzumi Chihiro. Mayuzumi shrugged, his eyes flicking down to his phone as the obnoxious sounds of  _ Love Live!  _ erupted from his side of the chat. 

“Fucking Kise.” Kagami shook his head in mock disappointment. He fixed Kise with a smug upturn of his lips, one which Kise desired nothing more than to smack it straight off so that Kagami would be forced to cut and past his eyebrows into a smile on his face as makeshift lips. 

“Literally, me being torn apart by a pack of wolves would be more fun than having to deal with you assholes.” 

“The feeling is mutual.” Nijimura commented.

“I hate all you fuckers.” Mayuzumi added.

“For once, I agree with Kise.” Midorima sniffed. Kagami just kind of bobbed his head in complete agreement. Kise was partly amazed at all this salt and hatred on this chat. They truly bonded not over their amazing experiences as friends but over the suffering they put each other through. It was kind of beautiful. Kise felt like he could truly connect with all of them when they were on the same page like this. 

“So, what about Kuroko and Akashi banging? Sorry, was distracted by Izuki sending me nudes.” Takao interrupted the easygoing atmosphere between the group. Immediately, the strong hostility returned to the group of friends as various forms of showing their hatred came back out (ie. trash talking, roasting, frowning, laughing at one another’s misery). 

Takao glanced around in confusion before shrugging it off calmly. He scrolled down the nudes Izuki shared with him, an almost grimace on his face as he found a particularly raunchy nude photo Izuki sent him via text message. Takao shook his head back and forth in disapproval. 

“This  _ nude  _ color doesn’t match you that well, Izuki. Shake my head.” 

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


Kise considers himself lucky for the first few weeks. Last time he heard, after Aomine attempted to corner him behind the school and do… explicit activities with him, the said dark blue haired man ended up with detention for the next two weeks after screaming in the building and demanding for Kise to face him like a man. Kise didn’t really know what to say or do, other than to avoid Aomine like someone resurrected the bubonic plague. 

So far, the past few weeks had been passing by smoothly. Other than a minor heart attack, in which Kise nearly shit himself on the spot when Aomine spotted him amongst the crowd, nothing truly life threatening happened to him. Kise predicted that if Aomine ever found him again--especially now that his detention time ended--during school hours, Aomine would positively  _ murder  _ him. 

Unfortunately, his predictions came true. Every time lunch rolled around, Aomine would barge into his last class before lunch, British Literature, and inquire Kise’s exact whereabouts. The first time Aomine visited Kise’s classroom, the blond acted fast and shoved his way into the nearby closets while hissing for no one to tell Aomine where he was. Fortunately, none of his friends attended the same class as him during this period, so no one actually fucked him over--a big relief for him. 

The next few times, Kise came to expect it so he always managed to sneak out of the classroom through the window--since the class was located on the first floor--and headed straight towards places he knew Aomine would be too ignorant to search for. For example, Kise would made a beeline straight for the basketball gym, knowing fully well that Aomine would expect to find Kise in some stereotypical nerd place like the library or some peaceful classroom (like the art or music rooms). 

He was fine for the first week when Aomine no longer had detention during lunch (and after school, he had basketball practice anyway). Of course, the next few weeks proved to be more challenging as Aomine continued his hunt for Kise’s vulnerable ass. The blond could only count on his brain to calculate where Aomine would be at what time--and he also begged Akashi (for a large sum) for Aomine’s schedule so he knew where to  _ not  _ be--and go off on that information. He didn’t know, however, if he could continue to dodge Aomine like this for the end of the year. 

Naturally, as the end of October rolled around and autumn transformed into a much more freezing climate, Kise was bound to run into Aomine again. He could no longer stay outside for too long--his frail body just wouldn’t allow it. The gym didn’t have heating for some stupid reason, so Kise had to cancel those plans as well. Which left Kise only one last place: hanging with people Aomine wouldn’t expect him to hang out with. 

That meant Kise sought out Kuroko, not knowing that Aomine typically hung out with the blue haired punk (except for lately, when all he’s been doing is seeking Kise out) and Kuroko wasn't as much of a loner as Kise expected. 

Now, sitting amongst Kuroko and his friends--consisting of Mayuzumi, Ogiwara, Momoi, Kiyoshi, Hyuuga, Riko, Koganei, and Mitobe--Kise wondered exactly why he thought Kuroko wouldn’t have friends. They all seemed cool too--like they didn’t roast him instantly after meeting him (not naming any names or anything). 

“So, you’re Kise?” Momoi asks in the middle of eating her bento (?). Kise can’t really see shit past his bangs, but even  _ he  _ can tell that Momoi’s bento box is definitely not edible. He cringes a little as she pops in another charcoal piece with a smidge of puke green splattered across it. Momoi remains bright and cheerful as her hair, however, and her smile is friendly and benevolent.

“Yeah, I’m Kise.” The blond chews on his own bento box--which is perfect because of his copycat ability and Momoi’s pales in comparison--while ducking his head as the group peers at him. After deeming him as friendly enough, the rest of them begin opening up to him, Riko and Momoi grinning behind their ruined lunches. 

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard of you from Aomine.” Hyuuga notes, pointing his chopsticks towards Kise with an almost accusatory glare. “And Izuki too. Izuki, especially.” He almost shudders at the thought of Izuki, and judging by how Hyuuga acts, the man is too serious compared to someone like Izuki, who jokes about everything and adds pun to almost every sentence. Kiyoshi smiles good naturedly and warmly welcomes him to the group. Kise thinks he likes these people--they’re a hell lot better than his old asshole friends.

“Yeah! Aren’t you like one of the smartest students in the school?” Koganei questions, his smile turning out to be more like the cat face emoji. What makes matters worse is the fact that sometimes, Koganei would place his hand below his chin, making him appear like the cat with the paw to its face emoji. It honestly took all of Kise’s willpower to not laugh aloud. 

“I guess.” 

“He’s the third smartest student! Tied with Midorin!” Momoi happily burst out. She’s technically the second most intelligent student, tied with Riko, who doesn’t seem all too joyful for being tied with the overly cheerful girl. If Kise could read auras, he was almost positive that her aura would be a super bright pink--like bubblegum. 

“Oh.” Koganei nods, staring a little as Mitobe rapidly performed some sort of sign language, except Kise’s almost 100% sure that everything Mitobe was saying was gibberish. “Mitobe says that he’s impressed!” He beams, and Kise can’t argue against a pleasant comment from both of them, even if he’s more impressed of the fact that Mitobe created his own language that only he, his family, and Koganei could understand.

“Thanks.” Kise shrugs. He can literally feel his phone vibrating against his leg from its confinement in his slacks pocket, but he’s not about to check his notifications. Knowing Takao, the black haired man tagged him, poked him,  _ did whatever  _ in order to gain Kise’s attention. He probably also convinced the rest of their gaggle of friends to join in his annoying distractions. 

Kise quickly finished up the rest of his lunch in order to meet up with his friends sooner. He hates them, but there are still times when they’re tolerable and he won’t ever admit it to them, but he misses their chaotic nature.

“Thanks for letting me eat with you guys,” he intercepts in the group’s own individual conversations. He grinned, gleaming and bright with shiny teeth that dazzled, “This was a lot of fun.” Momoi stares at him calculatingly before a Cheshire cat grin spreads across her beautiful face. Everyone stares at her warily, and Kise notices how they begin to scoot back. Before he can question their sketchy actions, Momoi pounces on him. 

“WHA--?!” Kise screeches as Momoi’s weight presses onto him; the momentum plus her weight and gravity pushes him down onto the ground as he’s tackled by a girl way smaller than him. He glances around wildly, and the group doesn’t even bother budging from the safe distance away that they are as Momoi sweeps up his bangs in one go and pins them back with a cutesy hair tie. Kise swears there’s more pink and bunnies on the scrunchie than in a child’s room. 

No one is still helping him when Momoi sits back on him, unaware of the provocative position they are in and how it may appear in a passerbyer mind. Kise glares at the rest of the traitors, but they’re too busy staring at him in awe as Momoi flips off of his body, rises up to her full height, and appraises him with her hands on her hips. 

“Uh…” Koganei unintelligibly stutters.

“Holy  _ shit _ .” Riko breaths in disbelief. Kise eyes them in confusion, but realizes that his long bangs previously shielding his piss yellow rubber ducky eyes are exposed to the sunlight from the outside world. Like a veil being lifted from over his head, Kise’s orbs widen at the onslaught of brightness burning his eyes. He flinches, quickly undoing the tiny apple bob of his hair until his bangs cover the first half of his face. 

“Wait, wait, wait!” Momoi stomps her foot childishly and crosses her arms across her large breasts. “Don’t cover your eyes like that!” She whines, stepping up to him with outstretched fingers intent on tying his hair back up. 

“No, I’d much rather not!” He denies squealing in the future, but at the moment, his voice raises up in a high pitched noise before he ducks from her prying fingers, grabs his things, and dashes out of that area before Momoi can slam him down onto the ground again. Behind him, he hears Riko loudly scolding Momoi for scaring him away like that; she’s not wrong though--there’s a reason why he prefers guys over girls anyway.

As he’s rounding the corner to find his gay asshole friends sitting in the grass like the homos they are, Kise bumps into someone. Again. He hears the taller perron let out a pained “oof” sound as he stumbles back as well. Kise whips his head up, about to apologize for accidentally bumping into that person until he realizes exactly  _ who  _ that person is. 

“Oh fuck.” Kise utters aloud. He turns on his heel to the right, hoping that Aomine is too stunned from hitting into another person to notice exactly  _ who  _ bumped into him. He watches as Aomine’s narrowed eyes widen briefly in shock, and by then, he knows it’s too late. 

“IT’S YOU!” Aomine shouts, and Kise is already jogging away from Aomine as fast as he possibly can. He’s panting and heaving and breathing through his mouth, but he only makes it three steps before Aomine drags him back by the arm and throws him up against the wall. Kise groans inwardly, the memories of the time when they were in the exact same predicament spiralling through his head. 

“What the fuck do you want with me?” Kise hisses through his teeth; he was defensively hunched up like a startled cat raising its hackles and about to attack. Aomine’s eyes are heavy lidded, dark with an almost tangible sultry gleam in his ocean eyes that ignites a flame of desire in the pit of Kise’s stomach. As much as he wishes to deny the obvious arousal under the pretense of his explainable loathing to Aomine Daiki, Kise  _ knows  _ himself and his tastes well enough.

Aomine is a dangerous, alluring creature, and Kise had always fancied himself a passionate partner--particularly one resembling a panther with sharp grins, narrow slitted eyes, and a husky growl that chilled Kise to the bone. And, unfortunately for Kise, Aomine fits the role of his ideal man all too well--a cookie cutter character brought to reality just to fuck over Kise’s life.

Aomine falters, a bit of a lost look reflecting in his eyes--and Kise can  _ see  _ himself in Aomine’s eyes, can see the quiver of his awaiting body and his clenched fist that begs to tug at Aomine’s collar until they’re nose to nose--as his body sluggishly leans down. The blond is almost entirely trapped now by Aomine’s form draped over him, but Kise can still see exits in plain sight.

“Just let me go.” He commands, despite the tremor of his voice and the near snapping of his sanity. Aomine shakes his head, dark onyx hair moving along and casting shadows over his clean cut face. 

“No. Now that I have you here…” Aomine is unbearably close, filling in the gaps of space separating their bodies with his own hot one. His voice lowers, seeps deep into the abyss of his mind and plants tiny goosebump seeds along Kise’s skin. Kise waits, breath baited. Aomine closes the gap and Kise is all too aware of the gush of air from Aomine’s dark, parted lips and his sharp nose nudging onto his own---

_ THUNK!  _ Kise’s eyes open in shock. He recoils back, forehead stinging like Akashi dealt him a blow marring his lackluster skin with a vivid crimson the same shade as Akashi’s hair. Kise blinks back tears, his brain attempting to comprehend _ what the hell just happened.  _

_ Apparently, Aomine decided to return the favor by headbutting him back. Brilliant. Kise doesn’t know whether to punch Aomine straight in his _ cocky upturned lips, despite the smudges of pain still lingering in his watery eyes and twitching face. 

“Are you fucking  _ kidding  _ me?” Kise hisses. He cradles his head--which is stinging from both a physical injury and a major headache at this point--with softened fingers and glowers at Aomine to his best ability in his wrecked state. Aomine, the smug bastard, continued to gloat. 

“That’s payback, Kise!” The darkly tanned man crows in victory. Kise, for his part, rolls his eyes and hopes the sheer annoyance radiating from his form is sharp enough to cut through Aomine’s proud figure. 

“Yeah, great.” Sarcasm rolls off his tongue easily and Kise reminds himself to stop hanging by sassy Midorima, snarky Mayuzumi, and mouthy Akashi. All of them are an  _ awful  _ influence on him and he’d much rather not go through the hassle of possible future fights from his sharp tongue. 

“Well, if that’s all you wanted, congrats, you win.” Kise waves to Aomine as he begins walking away from the mess he almost encountered--involving mussed up hair, entangling tongues, and ruffled clothing. Kise steers clear of those types of lewd thoughts and opts to instead, think of ways to bring Akashi with Kuroko to. 

“Wait,” Aomine calls out; Kise freezes in his step, unsure. Should he run away or stay there? Both decisions did not sound appealing whatsoever to the blond. 

“What else do you want?” He drawls, animosity dripping from his voice. Aomine’s heat presses just a little closer--close enough for Kise’s heart to beat uncontrollably and for his stomach to curl up into insistent knots. 

“There’s something I always wanted to ask you…” His breath is fragile glass splintering into Kise’s ear: painful and clear.

_ Thump, thump, thump;  _ Kise’s heart screams. Pine--something earthy, Kise thinks--and a sharp whiff of cologne trails into Kise’s nose, and he’s surprised he can still do so when his brain can barely remember how to  _ breath _ . 

“...Are you related to Hara Kazuya?” 

“...Um.” Kise falters. What the actual fuck? “..No?” 

“Oh, okay. Alright, see you later or whatever, asshole.” Aomine leaves shortly after. Kise can only gape at his retreating body with something akin to disbelief, amusement, and annoyance--a weird combination, he knows, but he doesn’t know how else to describe the turmoil within his heart. 

Kise shakes his head, then exits the clearing, feeling like an underpaid teacher having to deal with unruly, rowdy students every single day of his life. Truly amazing. 

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


_ October 6, 2016 _

_ 4:20 am _

 

**dat boi:** aND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!

**taco tuesday:** BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM

**dont shun me:** OH SHIT YALL ITS 4:20

**dat boi:** !!!!!!!   
****

**taco tuesday:** 420 BLAZE IT

**dont shun me:** FUCK THE POLICE GOING STRAIGHT FROMTHE UNDERGROUND

**taco tuesday:** just kidding it’S FOR MY MACARONI AND CHEEESE

**dat boi:** much weed such blaze

**kinky:** GO TO B ED

**dont shun me:** NO YOU CANT MAKE ME MOM

**taco tuesday:** ITS NOT A PHAS E MOM

**taco tuesday:** //insert himuro’s emo self

**Himo-emo:** WHOA WHOA WHOA

**Himo-emo:** U TALKING SHIT BEHIND MY BACK SON

**Himo-emo:** bc i like it

**taco tuesday:** dont worry emo mcr will live on… in ur heart….

**Himo-emo:** haha funny sweetheart i have no heart :)

**dat boi:** same

**kinky:** im blocking all of you

**taco tuesday:** yeah ok so wanna see something

**mi kasa es su kasa:** is it more of those weird videos u keep finding

**mi kasa es su kasa:** like that one girl singing about wanting to be fucked

**Himo-emo:** i can never unsee the cupcakes on her titties

**mi kasa es kasa:** look man im still in therapy for that ok 

**kinky:** Kasamatsu, I’m joining your therapy sessions.

**Himo-emo:** WHOA WHOA WHOA 

**Himo-emo:** ARE YO  U HITTING ON  _ MY  _ KASA

**Himo-emo:** YOU ALREADY GOT UR DIRTY GRUBBY AHNDS ON MY BROTHER

**Himo-emo:** U CANT HAVE BOTH FUCKING KERMIT THE FROG

**dat boi:** lol

**kinky:** I WAS NOT TRYING TO LAY HANDS ON YOUR BOYFRIEND

**taco tuesday:** yeah he’s too vanilla anyway

**dont shun me:** he dont want ur man meat’s  _ vanillove,  _ him-emo

**dat boi:** That was a bit weak, Izuki.

**dont shun me:** back off akashi 

**dont shun me:** i may be terrified of you

**dont shun me:** and i may not know kung fu

**dont shun me:** but i do know how to use a weapon

**dont shun me:** watch yourself, ciel >:U

**taco tuesday:** DAMN TELL HIM BABE

**dat boi:** ...Ciel?   
****

**dat boi:** And I  _ do  _ know both certain types of martial arts as well as an extensive knowledge and easy access of all types of weapons, Izuki. So, you, my friend, should be watching for  _ me _ instead. :)

**Himo-emo:** I VOLLUNTEER MYS ELF

**mi kasa es su kasa:** BBY WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS

**Himo-emo:** NOTHING CAN STOP THE SANDS OF TIME FROM FALLING TOWARDS MY INEVITABLE DEATH

**Himo-emo:** @akashi u can use my body as target practice anytime : )

**dat boi:** I think I’m good.

**Himo-emo:** WHY MUST YOU KINKSHAME ME IN MY OWN HOUSE

**dont shun me:** @akashi ciel is from kuroshitsuji u should kno better bo-chan

**dont shun me:** ur both very similar

**dont shun me:** rich, gay, entitled, mean af, GAY, short, etc

**mi kasa es su kasa:** damn son

**taco tuesday:** HAHAHAHHHAHAH 

**taco tuesday:** i love you shun lol

**dat boi:** I AM NOT SH ORT

**dat boi:** YALL ARE JUST RIDICULOUSLY TALL

**Himo-emo:** ooh we triggered the man 

**dont shun me:** lmao i forgot the most important part too

**mi kasa es su kasa:** do i want to know??

**Himo-emo:** SAY IT. SAY IT OUT LOUD

**dont shun me:** k

**dont shun me:** the most important part is that ciel over here has a large crush on the kuroko-shitsuji ;)   
****

**mi kasa es su kasa:** …..

**mi kasa es su kasa:** that actually fits really well lol

 

_ dat boi’s name is now ciel phantom-lover _

 

**taco tuesday:** DAMN IZUKI UR ON A ROLL

**dont shun me:** im actually on my bed but yeah

**dont shun me:** thx boo <3<3<3<3

**ciel phantom-lover:** CHANGE IT BACK OR SO HELP ME

**Himo-emo:** ooh i get it

**Himo-emo:** its bc kuroko is like a phantom right

**ciel phantom-lover:** THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT, FALL OUT BOY. 

**dont shun me:** ooh nice pun

**ciel phantom-lover:** IT. WAS. NOT. A. PUN. YOU. FAILURE. OF. A. MAN.

**dont shun me:** lol hyuuga tells me that everyday nice try : )   
****

**ciel phantom-lover:** also your puns aren’t funny

**dont shun me:** WHOA MAN TOO FAR

**taco tuesday:** damn… all this roasting…

**taco tuesday:** but who do i want to win??

**mi kasa es su kasa:** same

**mi kasa es su kasa:** its like watching one of ur videos takao only slightly less horrifying

**taco tuesday:** THX FOR THE REMINDER

**mi kasa es su kasa:** OH FU CK WA IT NO TA KAO

**taco tuesday:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVubEGZbNeU

**ciel phantom-lover:** YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST FROM ME

**mi kasa es su kasa:** …. i finally understand why ur so infatuated w/ death himuro lamo

**Himo-emo:** wanna be edgy @my house?

**mi kasa es su kasa:** um

**Himo-emo:** my parents arent home

**mi kasa es su kasa:** you live by yourself himuro lol

**mi kasa es su kasa:** but yes be there in five ;)

**ciel phantom-lover:** The day I snap, you all are the first to go. 

 

(Cut for length.)

 

**kise kise fall in love:** COD E RED COD E RED

**taco tuesday:** wait what does that mean again

**Tigger:** i thought it was code rainbow?

**Tigger:** cuz were all gay af???   
**dont shun me:** im p sure that’s the code for when niji does something illegal

**kise kise fall in love:** CAN U STOP WITH UR SHITTY PUNS FOR ONCE IM BEING SRS

**dont shun me:** ok wow

**dont shun me:** this is why everyone roasts u all the time kise smh

**taco tuesday:** LOL

**kise kise fall in love:** LOOK SOMETHING HAPPENED

**kise kise fall in love:** WITH DICKI AND I’M VERY CONFUSE

**Tigger:** not this gay shit again

**Himo-emo:** says the gayest out of all of us

**Tigger:** u would be too if u were in love<3

**Himo-emo:** wow fake taiga r u saying kasa and my love isn’t real?

**Tigger:** that’s exactly what I’m say  _ broseph _

**Himo-emo:** say it to my face 

**Tigger:** ok but u better pick up ur phone this time 

**Himo-emo:** done

**kise kise fall in love:** y do i even try

**mi kasa es su kasa:** ok fine i’ll throw u a bone 

**mi kasa es su kasa:** wtf happened with dicki this time

**kise kise fall in love:** wait is akashi here

**i hate you all:** present

**kise kise fall in love:** not even gonna ask

**kinky:** If you wish to know, read all of today’s chat. 

**kinky:** I still hate you though, so don’t think I’ll help you again. 

**kise kise fall in love:** stfu u patch of gay grass

**kise kise fall in love:** anyway ill just say it anyway even tho akashi is here

**i hate you all:** Say that one more time, Kise. :)

**kise kise fall in love:** whatever anyway 

**kise kise fall in love:** so dicki cornered me today

**taco tuesday:** ooh this is getting real gay i like it

**kise kise fall in love:** n he like almost kissed me???

**mi kasa es su kasa:** lol i cant believe he tried to kiss trash fucking millennials

**i hate you all:** same

**kise kise fall in love:** shut ur mouth before i smack it off

**kise kise fall in love:** but anyway dicki didnt kis sme tho???

**kise kise fall in love:** and now i think im coming down with the disease

**kise kise fall in love:** bc my heart is puonding and im super sweaty and i feel like im going to puke

**kinky:** uh

**Tigger:** wow 

**mi kasa es su kasa:** this is real pathetic

**taco tuesday:** damn kise

**Himo-emo:** so should i tell im or???   
****

**kise kise fall in love:** AM I GOING TO DIE?!/1/1/1

**Himo-emo:** bitch the only one dying in this chat is me

**Himo-emo:** ur not allowed to fucking die before me thats not how this works smh

**Himo-emo:** uve probably only listened to fucking panic at the disco once

**Himo-emo:** fake af

**mi kasa es su kasa:** a) calm down tatsuya lol

**mi kasa es su kasa:** b) kise this is really fucking sad i thought u were smart wtf

**mi kasa es su kasa:** and c) this is almost as bad denial as akashi. Almost

**i hate you all:** For that, I’m going to go after you first, Kasamatsu. :)

**kise kise fall in love:** WAIT YOU GUYS THIN K I M IN LOVE WITH DI CKI???

**taco tuesday:** WOW 

**taco tuesday:** kasa’s right kise how tf r u tied in 3rd place for the smartest student in our school

**kinky:** he’s a disgrace

**kise kise fall in love:** ill kick u in the face

**kise kise fall in love:** but srsly im not in love with dicki

**Tigger:** but u almos kissed him???

**kise kise fall in love:** um that didnt happen

**kise kise fall in love:** he tried kissing  _ me  _ not the other way around

**kise kise fall in love:** i headbutt him which surprised me bc it really hurt, yanno, despite his head being empty af

**Tigger:** lol 

**taco tuesday:** all these burns…..

**taco tuesday:** where the ice @   
****

**dont shun me:** ICE COLD

**taco tuesday:** ALRIGHT ALRIGHTLAIRHGLITH ALIRHG TLAIGHT ALIRHGT

**dont shun me:** ok back to studying bye yall

**taco tuesday:** bye izu bby <3

**i hate you all:** I should leave as well. I have some important… Homework to do.

**kise kise fall in love:** so that’s what ur calling kuroko

**taco tuesday:** DAMN SON 

**taco tuesday:** U JUST GOT PLAYED AKASHI

**i hate you all:** I’m leaving. 

**i hate you all:** and kise? I hope you like your surprise on Monday :)

**kinky:** You’re dead

**Tigger:** rip kise

**mi kasa es su kasa:** ill only punch ur dead body  _ once  _

**Himo-emo:** damn kise teach me ur ways

**Himo-emo:** i need to kno how ur always in these near death situations lmao

**kise kise fall in love:** wow thanks guys u were so much fucking help

**taco tuesday:** Ur welcome!!!!! :D

**kise kise fall in love:** well i’m gonna go not talk to u guys anymore

**kise kise fall in love:** bye

 

_ kise kise fall in love has left the chat.  _

 

**i hate you all:** ok now that he’s gone who wants to talk shit about him? : )

**Tigger:** LOL akashi stop lurking around here

**i hate you all:** no

**i hate you all:** but seriously I’m going to enact my revenge on him. : )

**i hate you all:** and this time, he’ll run  _ five  _ laps instead of two. 

**taco tuesday:** rip in peace kise

  
  


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

  
  


Momoi stared at the blond in confusion. Her pink orbs swirled with uncertainty as she glanced over to her waiting girlfriend, then swung her head back over to stare at the taller male in front of him. Kise smiled, tight lipped as silence droned on. 

“I don’t quite understand what you want me to do, Kise.” She politely quipped, her own strained smile appearing on her plump lips. Kise sighed, mainly out of impatience, as he swept his fingers through his long, unruly golden locks. 

“Exactly what I just said, Momoi. I’m trying to help out a fellow friend, you see, and I was hoping for your participation in successfully hooking the two up together.” 

“So you want me to cling onto Tetsu and pretend I’m madly in love with him?” 

“Of course!” He flashed her a (hopefully) confident grin. “See, this is why you’re one of the smartest students in the whole school.” He praised in an attempt to butter her up. Judging by her skeptical frown, she wasn’t buying any of his bullshit today or ever. Her perceptiveness intimidated Kise a tad bit, but he was on a  _ mission _ , one in which he would later claim was noble and just of him to do so---and not because he wanted to win a bet or anything. 

“Why would I want to help you?” Which basically translated to, “what’s in it for  _ me _ ?”. Kise really hoped she wasn’t going to ask for money because he already agreed to split with Mayuzumi and if Kise continued to split his earnings, he wouldn’t be left with much after this whole debacle. 

“Because you’re a nice person and you care about Kuroko’s feelings?” 

“Look, Kise,” Momoi crossed her arms and stood up straighter; Kise flinched just a bit. “I know exactly what you’re trying to do and the reasons behind your scheme.”  _ You’re not slick,  _ she basically shouted at him. 

“And as much as I agree with hooking Kuroko and Akashi up, I don’t think this is a good idea. I know they’re both tip-toeing around each other, but I don’t think making Akashi  _ jealous  _ is going to do any good. By his character, he’ll end up more angry and confused than actually  _ jealous  _ of Tetsu and me.” 

“Yeah, but--” Momoi held up her hand. 

“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to help you. I care about Kuroko a lot. I don’t want him to get hurt if Akashi says something his mouth couldn’t control because he was jealous.” Kise almost deflated. He could practically hear the bet money sailing out of his reach and landing into a joyful Kagami’s arms. Midorima was in the background, a proud yet smug expression on his face that Kise wanted to kick off. 

“I understand…” Kise murmured. Momoi shot him a sympathetic look before waving at him. She exchanged a short goodbye with him, then disappeared off with Riko, who blossomed into a bright crimson once Momoi pecked her on the cheek. 

The blond sighed once more, retrieving his phone out of his pocket to call up Mayuzumi for the failed plan. That, or to suggest something entirely different. Perhaps asking for Momoi’s help wasn’t a brilliant idea (with how ferociously loyal she was), so Kise would have to think of another person for Akashi to be jealous of. 

“Hello, Mayuzumi?” He asked as the phone picked up. An affirmative grunt answered his question and Kise exhaled loudly. “She didn’t agree with the plan. Said something about how Akashi would hurt Kuroko if he saw them together.” 

Mayuzumi hummed in comprehension. “She’s got a point, you know. Akashi’s exactly like fire---a double edged sword, but it’s on fire, and Akashi’s on fire, and everything’s on fire because he’s in hell.” 

“Shut up. Anyway, what do we do now?” 

“Well, we don’t  _ need  _ Momoi specifically. We just need to think of someone who’s close enough to Kuroko, but also believable enough to be in love with Kuroko. So, no Aomine.” 

“What?” Kise questioned doubtfully. “Aren’t they always together though? I thought Aomine had a crush on him or something.” A beat of silence greeted him. He could hear the static of Mayuzumi’s breathing before a very voluminous sigh fell from Mayuzumi’s exasperated lips. Kise remained oblivious.

“The dumbasses I have to deal with…” Mayuzumi muttered to himself before adding in a louder voice, “No, he’s not in love with Kuroko. He’s in love with someone else.” 

“Oh. Wow, Aomine being in love with someone? Who’s the unlucky person?” 

“You, you fucking moron.” Mayuzumi whispered. 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing. Anyway, we can still proceed with the plan. All we have to do is make sure that neither Kuroko or Akashi find out.” 

“Wait… Close to Kuroko… Mayuzumi, why don’t  _ you  _ become the person in love with Kuroko?” 

“Eew, Kise, what the fuck? That’s like incest.” 

“He’s your stepbrother---that doesn’t count!” Kise protested. Mayuzumi sighed; Kise could already predict Mayuzumi’s sarcastic eye roll and murmurs of profanities under his breath. 

“Isn’t there literally everyone else that fits the role? I mean, Kuroko does get a lot of love letters, but they’re always in the wrong locker and no one ever knows where and how to find him.” Mayuzumi pointed out, mainly for the sake of  _ not dating his step brother _ , even if it’s just an act. Kise shook his head. 

“Nope. Akashi hates you just as much as you hate him. If you make it seem like Kuroko and you are dating, Akashi will get  _ twice as mad _ and then finally realize he’s in love with Kuroko! It’s a win-win situation!” Kise exclaimed before piping down his voice. He frantically surveyed the area for a familiar tuft of crimson hair just in case. Akashi was always fucking lurking. When finding no one that fit his short friend’s description, Kise slumped his shoulders in relief. 

“...You  _ do  _ have a point…” Mayuzumi hesitantly agreed. Kise grinned, feeling more victorious than any straight A’s or 100’s he’s received in his life. Even if he was suddenly proclaimed attractive and became a model, he still wouldn’t feel as triumphant as in that very moment. 

“Great.” Kise’s smile turned sinister. “Let the plan begin.” 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant believe i fucking wrote this

**Author's Note:**

> delete this


End file.
